One...

Day one...trying to be positive today, didnt get too far. Rough morning saying goodbye to everyone. Tears all around. I havent slept in days...my body, mind, heart are killing me...I can't even pretend Im strong.

Plane ride was rough - being alone with my thoughts was a little painful. I truly felt like I was leaving a piece of my heart behind, I was. This isnt just about Noah, but about his family. I've become close with them and love them. They're truly angels for helping me get through these past few days. I really couldnt have done it by myself.

As soon as I landed home I got a phone call from a friend - didnt even go home, just went straight to their house. They know how hard this is on me. They've been married for a few years - both have different views based on their experiences. One is telling me to be positive and have faith that it will all work out, one is telling me to get the hell out and dont look back. We went out to dinner - caught up on our lives. It was just what I needed.

I dont know what Im feeling today. I miss Noah like nothing else. Hearing his voice...the little things. I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive - not saying I wont try, but right now, it hurts. We all make choices in our lives - what we put out there, where we focus our attention and energy on is what we get back...hes been focusing his attention on things that are not so healthy for our relationship...and it definitely shows. There is a lot that I dont understand. But what I do understand is that I cant expect him to truly love and start a life with me if he cant even respect or love himself. True love starts with yourself.

My only wish is that one day he will be able to look himself in the mirror, I mean really look at himself and hear my words...see how amazing he is...see the person I fell in love with. Because he doesnt even know how great he is...or how much his love means to me...

Noah's mom gave me a book a few days ago...a book of insight...I'll open a page up randomly each day and focus on that...


"Why destroy your present happiness by a distant misery, which may never come at all? For every substantial grief has twenty shadows and most of the shadows are of their own making."