Sad

Not the view I wanted - the vets. Discovered Tilly had a prolapse late this afternoon - pulled out the egg membrane which was just sticking out with no shell, egg already come out and no doubt been eaten. Tried putting prolapse back in but no good.  Managed to get emergency appointment for 9.15. Took Shadow as bath not helped and she was looking worse.
Sat on floor of vets with Shadow on my lap as Tilly anaesthetized and operated upon - then she was taken to be put down. Home with Tilly and back tomorrow to see if loop worked and prolapse stays in - but if she has more eggs without shell she will strain to push it out and prolapse will happen again. Which is more than likely so realistically she is next to go.
The whole experience with Flora allowed the realities of friend to filter through - tonight they broke out in full. Deaths of chickens I love, death on an unimaginable scale in Nepal, my friends future death. I can't keep keep my emotions in the box they were obviously in - I've let out anger at Dr's, my feeling of needing space to compose and settle myself. All this just masked the real horror, fear, upset, already grief, of what is to come.I want to scream and cry and hit something. Sad doesn't even cover it.
Comments off for tonight. No need to respond - I'm just letting it out - for tonight.