Roche abbey again

I went to go to work, even though yesterday was my last official day.
Feeling crap today. My ex is off to visit his current partner,via an orienteering event. I dont want him back, but it upsets me that he is going off to see someone else,if he can be loving,kind,generous etc with her, why couldnt he with me?
Not that i dont want him to be happy, just that i want to be treated like someone who helped him raise 2 wonderful children, gave him space to develop his new business (see what i did there! Develop? Photography business?) had a lot of values in common,and have been friends for 20 years.
I know i dont get it right. But he did do some things to end the marriage, things which still make me cross. When im cross with him, he retreats into defence mode, instead of apologising again. As i said to his new partner, forgiveness doesnt come all in one go, apologies need to be made repeatedly.
A bit of kindness towards someone who is upset shouldnt be hard.