Leaving

Today was James' last day with his childminder, Lorna, who he has been with since he was 8 months old. Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I have had to do, because she has been a massive part of our lives for nearly 8 years. It won't really be goodbye, because James has already decided he will be going round there in his school holidays.

Its made all the more difficult because the change is due to a change in arrangements with his Dad. Practically the change makes a lot of sense, because my job and workload is such that I have no quality time with James during the week, in fact I see him only for an hour or so every evening. So James is going to stay with his dad during the week, and back here with us all weekends and school holidays. I get the quality time, his dad gets the washing, ironing, packed lunches and homework (which I have had for the last 3 years). Like I say, practically it makes sense. Emotionally, I'm having a really hard time, because its a big change. Its a big change that James isn't necessarily happy with and if after a few weeks he doesn't settle, then we'll change back and work with it. I'm trying to tell myself that if me and his Dad were still together this would be how it is anyway - that he'd look after him during the week and me at weekends and holidays. And the fact is I couldn't live with his dad - staying with him would have made everyone miserable. I just hope it will be OK, eventually. But I feel like a really bad person. Even though his Dad is great with him, and we are more than amicable about everything, and James definitely comes first, I still feel like a Grade A Crap Mother.

God I feel like crap. Am off to find more tissues because I'm crying again. Probably no comments to anyone this evening - not sure I can summon the enthusiasm.