Dearest K...

I have very few memories of when you were little. I have snapshots in my head, little snippets of how life was like, but they're mostly from photos I've seen.

That little blonde haired, blue eyed baby crawling through the cupboard with this mischevious look in his eye.

You were always different. I don't really remember why or how, but we just knew. You had your own little world. I think you designed your perfect world because you didn't quite fit into ours.

You were never (and you're still not) the most affectionate person, but the amount of warmth I feel when you just sit next to me...When you place your hand on mine. That seemingly simple act is something that's far more difficult to you than most and when you do it, so awkwardly, the amount of love you send through your little clammy fingertips is amazing!

I felt like my world was crashing round on me when I was told you couldn't be at home anymore. There's something that doesn't feel quite right about my little brother not being at home.

I felt like I'd failed you as an older sister, like I hadn't protected you from the bad world out there. I felt like it was my duty to stop people from hurting you and making sure that life didn't get too hard. I mean, Mum and Dad could cope admirably with everything you threw at them...Why couldn't I? Why did seeing the anger fill me with fear? I still feel like I failed you. I still feel like I just thought about myself through it all and not you.

Even in the same room, I sometimes feel like I'm a million miles away from you. I used to think I had an inkling of what went on in your mind.
Now that feelings been multiplied.

When someone says they feel like they don't want to be here anymore, it's hard to take it seriously. Saying they'll do it and actually doing it is a completely different think. You might not know this, K, but I got to that stage myself. I got to the stage where it felt too much for me and I didn't want to be here. What stopped me was knowing who I'd be leaving behind...I wonder why that didn't stop you?

You took your own life into your hands. The life we, as a family, have carefully wrapped in bubble wrap for so long. I know you're OK now, but mister you scared me so much!

I feel totally helpless. I feel to blame. No matter how many people tell me it's not my fault, I feel like I let you down. Despite all your difficulties, I felt like we bonded. I was one of very few who could calm you down.

This time I wasn't there.

The "What If's" swim round my head like shark infested waters.
Why is it that the only "What If" I don't think about is "What if it'll all be OK in the end?".

Not a day goes by when you're not on my mind...and everytime I see something, smell something, hear something that reminds me of you, thoughts of you at your happiest come flooding into my mind.

I just want to take you up into my arms and give you a massive cuddle - even though I know you'll hate it.

K, I'll always ALWAYS be here for you.

You might not physically be with me, but I'll tell you what we'll do. Look into the sky and look into the stars. Those are the same stars that I'm looking at too. I'm here too, looking into the sky and hoping that one day you'll be home and we can look at the stars together.

You're such a special little man who brings so much happiness to our lives. The things that have happened are indescribable and you'll have no idea of the pain it's actually caused. But you don't need to. No matter how much it hurts inside, my feelings will never change.

Even though you are taller than me, you're still my little brother. I will always be looking out for you and trying to protect you the best I can.

I love you, big man.

Alix xxxxx