Christmas Eve

christmas Eve today and I was amused at receiving this song in my email.

On the first day of Christmas, my chav bird gave to me,


Twelve packs of ciggies,
Eleven nights in Blackpool,
Ten stolen chequebooks,
Nine Sean Paul ringtones,
Eight pimped-up Nova's,
Seven Kappa Tracksuits,
Six cans of Stella,
Five S-o-v-e-r-e-i-g-n Rings,
Four Football Shirts,
Three Burberry caps,
Two council houses, and a
A voucher from J.J.B.


After work, Connie and I take the dogs for a big long walk and I kid you not, we see this aeroplane in the sky, but the way that the sun is glinting off it, it looks like a bright gold sleigh shape cutting through the sky at a great rate of knots. It disspears into the clouds without a trace and we wonder whether or not we had some sort of shared imagination thing.

Shortly after we also see on a bench aside the railway line an assortment of mans clothing, boxers, t-shirt, shorts and flip flops. We conclude that it has Stag party written all over it although we are carefull not to touch them just in case our DNA ends up on some victims clothing. Clearly, we have been watching too much Taggart or CSI.

I get home and surf the net a little, although I am constantly disturbed by the amount of spam email that I keep receiving, an increasing amount on a daily basis.

"I am Captain Ted Perry of the US Marine Corps (U.S.M.C.) On Monitoring and Peace-keeping mission in Baghdad-Iraq. Please there is a serious business I have for you.There's a consignment I want you to receive on my behalf. I shall give more information when I hear from you.Thank you and keep it secret."

So, please tell me Captain Ted Perry, what this consigment may be, as you are well aware I already have an established international crime ring, encoumpasing car crime, gun running and drug smuggling. So unless this deal is lucrative, don't worry though your secret is safe with me.

On a different note, I reply to a Gumtree advert for a metal detector.