Sinking

into deep, dark, melancholy blue.

I know that it's coming. I know to within 3 or 4 days. It's been building since last week. It will pass in another week or so.

But it doesn't help me because I seem to have no control over this blackness that clouds me and that turns me into a person that is not me. It's so difficult to describe adequately what this feels like. It's not the physical pain, although today that is not good at all. It's more a feeling that the real me is trapped inside a shell and can't get out. I have brief moments where I manage to surface for air - fortunately because I have good people around me who, deliberately, or unwittingly, manage to throw me a lifeline that pulls me out for a few minutes.

But then I sink again. A little bit further. A little bit deeper into this utterly dark place that I feel like is going to consume me.

The longer this goes on, the closer I come to asking the Doctor to prescribe something, but I just do not want to go there, because I know this blackness is transient...it passes, and I have a few days, a couple of weeks, of respite, of normality, of behaving like a good wife, a loving mum, a supportive colleague...

and then I change again back to the sullen, uncommunicative, tearful, raging, short tempered, angry, downright horrible shell of myself who doesn't seem to care how many people she is curt too and how far she is pushing people away.

6 days from Christmas...this is going to be a good one.