Dreams ...

Dreams from last night

I've got this parcel from eBay which I'm really excited about, it contains many toys which I had as a child and I'm keen to share my memories with my daughters. Mr G is watching TV and as I open each parcel, I try to show him but he just shrugs me off. I have my dolly, my baby dolly which I religiously looked after when I was little (she had a weekly bath, a daily bottle of milk and was cuddled every day and put in her crib every night) she was soft bodied with hard limbs so she really cuddled, I want to show Mr G how small she is and how she reminded me of Clara when she was born, this time, Mr G is my dad and he also just shrugs me off (a characteristic which they really do share) I show Clara all these things too and she shows interest but new toys makes noises and flash lights and my old toys are pretty boring in comparison. I let her go off and play then I'm standing in front of my Mum who says nothing, she wants a hug and I shout at her, I shout at her for allowing my Dad to bully us all, I shout at her for allowing it to happen, she just nods .. I shout at her for not being loving enough, for always favouring my sister and not me, how I always in my life put myself second as that's how she made me. I shout at her and again she just nods and then walks away.

I dream of my Gran, my lovely happy Gran, she's young and can move around and we talk, a bit of a catch up, she loves my children, she is pleased with me. That gives me peace because even though I have anger, she doesn't tell me to sort it with my parents, she just nods and understands and says that despite it all, I am doing good by my children so it doesn't need to be addressed.

I'm in a room with my Mum and Gran, I'm sitting next to Gran, she's older and just how I remember her, frail. We're doing something, not quite sure, mostly likely some craft. Someone bangs on the wall, Mum bangs back and starts shouting, I try to get up but I can't, I want to just go next door and ask what the problem is, instead Mum is getting more and more angry. I know I could fix this problem ..

Guess my lesson learned is that I can't fix problems which aren't mine, my anger (which I never thought that I had) is part of me and it doesn't matter as I am very controlled anyway. My Gran, who I miss dearly (died in 1997) is with me always, she sees everything and is happy with who I have become despite my parents failure to provide a happy, loving and balanced environment.

I need to work on Mr G, to make him more receptive to the girls more often otherwise they are going to feel about him, what I feel about my Dad, I'd hate that if that happened.