THE CHEESE AND ONION TREE

I need a shrub like this. Preferably in an out of the way dark corner of the garden, well hidden from husband and neighbours and passers by, and beyond crunching munching decibel distance of the back door.

No, no, no, I do not want a packet of cheese and onion crisps. Concentrate woman.

I really would like a bag of cheese and onion crisps ...... but .....

...... why don't people take their rubbish to the nearest bin? Don't they realise there are dieters about.

And if Colin Parte tells me they are on offer in Tesco I'll explode!