Reflecting

So this is a piece of work by Anish Kapoor entitled Turning the World Upside Down, which is in the foyer at work. I blipped this because I'm finding it rather apt for how I'm feeling.

The title is spot on with regards to how my life has literally been turned on it's head. The first time was when I met A, she simulatiously took my breath away and breathed life into me and I couldn't live without her. Then recent events have shook things up, I felt dizzy and lost, not sure what to make of it all. I'm hate not going to bed with her curled up by my side, or waking up next to her soft warm skin, but I'll cherish those memories and realise that for the last year, I was the luckiest man alive.

The second thing that makes this apt is the reflection. It's got me thinking and reflecting about my life over the past few months. About how I almost lost her a few times and that the fear of losing her helped contribute towards our split. How I've been my own worst enemy, overthinking every little thing, worried about who would steal her from me. She was my life and I didn't want to let her go, and ended up not trusting myself. I trusted her, but it was other people I didn't and that includes myself. It's paradoxical that sometimes the thing we try so hard to prevent, we unintentionally end up causing. I doubted myself and I became insecure, and it was a downwards spiral.

I feel that with regards to my relationship with A, I need to treat her better now than when we were together. It seems weird, but I feel that if I can do this, then it'll strengthen our relationship. Maybe it's true that if you truely love someone, then let them go. This isn't me giving up, or moving on, but on realising that I need to concentrate on the present and being her friend, rather than clinging on to the past. I love her and always will. She'll always occupy that special place in my heart, but in the mean time we'll see where we end up.

Self-trust is the first secret of success ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson