Ruined

I took this incredibly boring shot, ruined it in PS and then served it up garishly for y'all. If you think this is bad you should have seen my other efforts.

BIG NEWS: I'm meeting Debs tomorrow for the first time. How on earth am I to get through the next 24-28 hours? I'm (to put it mildly) fucking shitting myself. What if she thinks I'm a muppet? What if she rocks up looking like the rear end of a tractor? What if we get on well and I might actually have something other than moaning and fags in my life?

I can't do it. I'm going to cancel. I'll tell her I've ruptured my pancreas and can't drive. My nerves are already shot from supporting a football team that always loses.

Or maybe I'm actually alright? Perhaps once being likened to Shrek plays on my mind too much. OMG (twat speak for oh my god) what if I'm too good for her? What if she dribbles when she talks and occasionally swears at strangers?

It's a minefield. I can't cope. I'm going to drive bareoot to Dundee and stuff my face with monster bars of Toblerone (aha.....)

Did anybody get that? Steve Coogan at his very best.

There is other news but I can't remember it in the blind fear and boil-in-the-bag paranoia that has suddenly enveloped me. I'll bullet point and paraphrase the key issue.

* Went to Retford. Got lost.
* Hypnotising Kirky, No Smoking
* Panicking. Like Anything

Right. Focus.

Here's my checklist:

Nice shirt
Jeans
Smart Trainers
Dune by Dior
Something In My Hair So It Looks Less Pikey / Ginger
Amusing Anecdotes (nothing related to my genitals though)
Smile (I'll look that up online, must be a 'how to' guide somewhere)
Wallet
Car (Kinda obvious but my scumbag stepbrother once turned up at a driving test without a motor so it isn't always clear cut)

I think thats it. I should hunt out my confidence but I left it with some cruel hearted woman in 2001 and I believed she stamped all over it before cackling and flushing it down the big ol' loo of despair and suffering.