dandelion hair....

soooo tired, both of us.

Alfie keeps sleeping in until nearly lunchtime to tey and get better and I think it is working....

I keep not going to bed until really late because I have got into the 'habit' of being so worried/scared about him being asleep that I have to be exhausted to get to sleep. Most nights I am getting no sleep until about 4-5am and then waking up at about 7.30 briefly then fall aslepp until about 10 and wake up feeling like a total zombie.

Anti biotics don't help, I am allergic to so many (of the good ones) I have to have strong doses of slightly 'wrong' ones to work on anything sinus or chesty related. This then leaves me feeling rubbish and tired (but at least not covered in a rash, throat swollen shut or puking - result!). Just even more exhausted and teary, adverts, This Morning even Jeremey kyle (not that I watch it of course ;-) ) leave me in tears. Hormonal on top of that.....

Yep a big cross teary tired mess.

We always said we only wanted one child before the 4 year struggle and finally IVF/ICSI (which has brought me some very good friends so there is a good part of that). But classically after having Alfie there was a question there about a second but we discussed it and couldn't face potentially another 4 years, the finacial aspect (of having to pay for more cycles) and my age. Then Alfie was ill and we found out that there were issues unrelated to his illness that explained a lot of our problems. So the descision was taken from us and oddly although we only ever wanted one (we are both only children) it hurt like hell. I put it in a box and lock it away but every so often it pops out and bites me on the backside. The worst was last year at about this time of year in the run up to my 40th (mentally a cut off point for me I think) and I was a mess. It is happening again a little just now. For some people it is so easy (as it should be), but is hurts, we could only have the one, then he gets so ill we almost lost him, we do sort of lose all his tiny baby part due to the hospital and the traceostomy. You know those wonderful sort of cooing, chirruping noises tiny baies make, none of that, the trachy acts a silencer, no crying, no cooing, no nothing, vast quantities of kit everywhere we went. It makes it hard when you see other tiny babies, they are wonderful and beautiful but sometimes it is like a knife through your heart to hear them snuffle and to cuddle. Knowing that we never had that bit and never will. I know there are people who have been through much worse and I am eternally grateful for my wonderful boy (and could probably never cope with another!!) but it hurts. January blues.

Sorry whinge over, just feeling very tired and very sorry for myself.

blog with the kit etc.