It's a drag

How my mood can change so violently in 24 hours I do not know.

Today I am low. Yesterday was a day full of family, friends and men trying to figure out washing machines!. Thanks for your comments on my Dapper Dad!

Full of feelings of frustrated ambitions. Questioning myself. Checking, and finding that I don't have the balls to do the things that I really want to do.

Partly because I am scared to take a chance, to find out that I am not good enough in someone else's eyes, to be knocked back.

Partly because I have realised, at the grand old age of 37 and 5/6ths, that without plenty of cash, your dreams aren't something that can easily be a reality.

You need a bit of cash to have a punt on your dreams and ambitions. Or at least you do when you have a husband, a child, a mortgage and numerous other bills that wouldn't get paid if you took a chance.

My life is worth more to me than money - don't get me wrong - I could live happily with what we have, because I have wonderful family, and friends, who bring me joy, laughter and support whenever I need it. So I am not ungrateful for what I have.

BUT - I want to find a way to do more of the things I love doing - photos and painting. A miracle is needed to find a way to do less of the things I like so much less - marking. I don't want 'out' of my profession - a friend of mine recently reminded me that I am similar to them, and that some people are just supposed to be teachers and that (most days) we are good at it.

I have a great job, that most days, I do love in terms of I know I am impacting in a positive way with the young people I work with. I work hard - but am sat here now in my Christmas break feeling guilty that I haven't yet tackled the mountain of coursework marking that is sat downstairs.

Guilty! Really. Why do I feel guilty for taking a break?

Today, there's this real niggling sense that I am missing something. Or missing out on something. That I should be taking a chance and putting myself out there and seeing what happens. I think the ridiculousness of feeling guilty has made me question how I see my working life panning out. I have 28 years left until I can retire on full pension. I don't want to get to 28 years from now and find that I am full of regret for not taking a chance. I can find lots and lots of reasons for not taking a chance.

The big one is the one which has H.R.H's smiling face plastered all over it. That annoys me immensely!

Oh, I don't know - it must be this cold which has lingered now for 10 days and the mid-winter bleakness finally managing to work its way into my psyche.