Customer Service my eye

When I contacted UPC last week after the abortive attempt to install my new broadband connection they said it'd be up to five working days before a "second-level technical team" (or something like that) would be out to check the cable signal. They also told me that I'd get a phone call to let me know when they'd be here and that they'd bring along a modem which they'd install when the problem was resolved.

No phone call, but I happened to spot a UPC van parked outside the next-door house around mid morning. They drove off, and I thought perhaps it was just a coincidence. Then, around 1.00 pm, a UPC van once again parked outside the house next door. At this stage it was beginning to look like more than just a coincidence, but there was still no phone call, and no sign of anyone coming to the door. I looked out, and was surprised to see the two guys in the van leaning back in their seats, with one reading a newspaper and the other tucking into sandwiches. On their lunch break, no less! They swung into action around 2.00 pm, but still there was no sign of a phone call and nobody had come to my door.

By 3.00 I'd had enough, and went out to talk to them. "Is everything all right again?" one of them asked. I told them I was actually wondering if they were here because of last week's abortive attempt to install broadband in my place. "Well, the technician is here. He's checking things out next door right now, but I'll ask him to call to you when he's finished." I had to go out again to get the guy to do a signal check, which he did and confirmed that the problem was resolved. "I'll report back to HQ, but I'd recommend that you also phone the Customer Helpline, tell them the technician has given the all-clear and ask them to send out the installers again."

I (not so patiently) explained that I'd been told that today's team would have a modem with them and would install it for me once the line-fault was rectified. "I don't know why they told you that. We don't do that. There's a contract that has to be signed, and that can only be done when the installers connect the modem and confirm that everything's satisfactory." So I phoned the Customer Helpline. After ten minutes on hold I explained about last week and the bad line and poor signal strength and the resolution of the fault and asked for the installers to be sent back. "Well, tomorrow's fully booked up, so it'll be Monday, some time between 9.00 and 12.00."

I was not a happy camper. I asked if there was any chance that someone could be here tomorrow, since I'd like to be connected and be in a position to cancel my contract with my present provider before the end of the current month. "I'm sorry sir, but there's nothing I can do. It's all computer controlled, and the system is showing me that we're fully booked for tomorrow. I can't override that. There'll be somebody there on Monday between 9.00 and 12.00."

To add insult to injury, when I came off the phone, not at all happy with the pathetic level of customer support I've received even before I'm actually signed up as a customer, I looked out and saw the "second-level technical team" standing around beside one of the two vans which it had taken to sort things out, deep in conversation and making no move whatever to move on to another call. This went on for another half hour, after which the level-checker technician headed off. The other two sat in the van for a bit, one apparently eating a banana and the other reading his newspaper again (afternoon break no doubt). Then the younger guy got out of the van to light up a cigarette and spend some time on his mobile phone. Once they'd got all that out of their systems the second van drove off some time around 3.45.

Customer service? What a joke.