One year on

It is a year ago today since we lost my Mam. It was very sudden and unexpected and came the day after my little brother got married last year, a lovely day when the family were all together for the last time. I think, one year on, we still really haven't got over the shock. I certainly don't feel like it has ever really, truly hit me. I don't think I have really, truly grieved. I keep expecting it to happen, but it just hasn't yet; it is just an ever-present feeling of sadness inside, a sinking feeling in my stomach, and sometimes I have some tears, but never for long.

Most of the family got together today at a lovely farm shop/cafe called 'Bradley Burn', which is near Wolsingham. I took my Dad and the girls, and we met up with my sister and brother in law and also my elder brother and his partner. My younger brother and his wife have gone off on a well-needed holiday today. It felt right to get together for lunch away from here and to concentrate on happy times together. The girls are what has kept me happy even in the darkest times over the past year and I think they have that effect on the rest of the family too.

This photo shows my big sister with Ophelia, the apple of her eye, and in the background is Grace and her Uncle Paul - they are the best of friends :)

6.30pm was a very strange time tonight, but now it has passed and we have spent a whole year without my Mam. Unbelieveable.