Broken Hearted.

Eighteen visions.

I have never really been like this before. This isn't how I usually am.
I am usually excited for life and generally happy with myself.
But lately, I feel broken and flipped upside down.
As much I am happy about most things in my life right now,
I keep having these breakdowns.

I am so HURT. I am so ANGRY. I am so CONFUSED.

All I have been able to think about lately are the...
silliness, dates, weirdness, parks, surprises, words, events, movies, memories, birthday, love, lounging around, phone calls, drawings, happiness, pictures, afternoons, puzzles, laughter, walks, shows, ridiculousness, texts, trips, home, favorite, roller coasters, games,
and lately.... the heartache.

It's been almost two months since we 'broke up' and I thought it was going to get better... it sort of has been. At least we still talk. Sort of. And we don't hate each other. But I'm still sitting here crying over you. I don't think you have any idea how much it really hurts... I don't think it would hurt so much if I didn't care this much. I keep looking forward to our life together. I keep looking forward to creating new memories. I keep looking forward to phone calls. To just telling you about my day. I keep looking forward to movie nights with you. I keep looking forward to romantic evenings. I keep looking forward to kisses. To hugs. To smiles. To car rides. To walks. To star-gazing. To ice cream. To concerts. To hanging out in your apartment with your roommates. To seeing that darn cat. To being with your friends. To laughing together. To waking up in your arms. To just... YOU. It was so wonderful seeing you last week. Amazing.

I hate this distance.
I hate the angry words we exchanged so long ago.
I hate not having good night phone calls to look forward to.
I hate waking up sad.
I hate missing us.
I hate that we barely talk because you're too busy.
I hate feeling like you're slowly replacing me.
I hate thinking that you're fine with all this.
I hate not even really knowing what you're thinking anyway.
(Perhaps I am making a big deal out of this.)
I hate that I even have to write this out.
(I am so tired of holding it in.)
I know you probably don't like that I'm writing it here.
(And I know you don't like it when I cry.)
I can't stop wondering what did I do to deserve this?
Why did it all go so wrong? Why can't it be fixed?
I know things can't change overnight,
but I'm still convinced there's a chance to be amazing again.
I can't breathe. I can't function. I'm trying.
I hate feeling like I failed you.
I am so sorry for everything that went wrong.
And I wish that was enough for you.
Why do you mean so much to me??
All I have is love. Why am I so full of love??
I want to try so hard to just be your friend,
but it's painful because that's all you will let me be right now,
when I want to be so much more.
I miss my best friend so much.
I can't stop loving you.
Unbreak me. Please.
Somehow.