Alone but not lonely

Yesterday extremely heavy. Warm welcome of Joel's grandparents, his father Tapsa, who was visiting from north of Finland where he lives and Joel's godmother, Tapsa's sister Anne. Lots of other people who I didn't know. Feeling alone, not wanting to explain my silence to those who weren't close. Feeling exhausted and sick.

Got late to bed, was in complete agony and felt pain in my stomach. Took a painkiller and a tranquilizer. Joel lied beside me and held my hand. Took a long time before I could fall asleep. Restless night. Got up many times but fell asleep again.

In the morning I just lied in bed for an hour and breathed. The sun was shining and it was quiet. After breakfast and washing the dishes we went with Joel to Mustamäki forest. Walked a familiar path. Lots of mosquitos, flies and ants. Hot. When we got back I went swimming. Wonderful cool water in the river at Laukkoski. Felt better. Ate. A lot. Still pain in stomach. Tests on monday.

Tapsa, Anne and her husband (also Tapsa) left today in the afternoon. So now we are with Joel with his grandparents until tomorrow.

What I discovered today: yesterday I had all these strange people around me, and I felt lonely. Tonight I was in the sauna alone. When I threw water on the hot stones and felt the heat on my skin I was very relaxed and felt peace. I was alone but I didn't feel alone. I knew that Joel and his grandparents were upstairs. I felt safe. I could enjoy being alone.

In this shot there is a female dragonfly.