I didn't know

I'm sincerely humbled by all the support here and on FB and my blog. And for those Whitney, Plum, Yogamama, InspireDesigns etc etc etc sorry I haven't had a chance to look, who've linked to here. Socialising with the big blip hitters ;-)

And sorry if it's hard to read. I don't mean to pull at heart strings, I just want to speak even if nobody wishes to listen or can bear to listen.

I opened the doors to the garden, the windows and door having lay shut for most of the week and it having been decidedly stale instead and it is a beautiful day, as I hear it is back home in the UK, so I'm glad for you all for that as you've had a rough winter.

Here Callum is reaching high and catching dreams. Never dare to dream and believe. Hope is a great healer, a great blessing, a great entity.

Callum is now asleep as we've been playing in the garden. When he wakes, I'm going to take him in to see his big brother for the first time since Friday. Yesterday, I took an afternoon nap with him and woke us both up in the big bed from a nightmare about spiders, my severe phobia. Kati had told me back then what that might represent, but no, I shan't like them any more! An early evening run around in the park together, and suppressed yawns from me, then a big shared bubble bath together. In the midst of this, I found great joy with Callum, just sharing. Have you had a bubble bath recently with your baby? It's utterly delicious.

* * *

Latest news just in from Jason this moment:

The cultures have grown H flu. All this seems treatable along with the plethora of other things going on. Could this be to explain for his respiratory distress. We just hope it's the reason, not an airway obstruction (=trach). It's strange the things you hope for in our little world. Trach means surgery #16, 2 weeks in hospital and a life change back to where we were.

Things aren't changing too much, he's still on the ventilator at similar settings awaiting the OR tomorrow and potential extubation from the vent.

I wanted to leave you with one of my older poems for Reuben, I didn't know because it seems so fitting right now.


I DIDN'T KNOW


I didn't know the meaning of downy
Until I felt your skin at birth
I didn't know you knew all your school friend's names in sign
Until I asked
Nor that you could reach down and pick up a book and stand back up again unsupported
Until you showed me
I didn't know you could jump without aid
Until the music played
I didn't know there were 2 lights on in the car
Until you signed "it's the same"
Nor that you knew the origins of pain
Until you signed ow-wee at a tiny long faded scratch on your hand
I didn't know you knew the signs for cloud, windy, lightning and rain
Until the weather changed
I didn't know you knew about wipers on cars
Until the first rains came today
Nor did I understand the power of "yet"
Until you taught me patience
I didn't know the sweetness of your voice
Until a miracle in June
I didn't know of courage
Until you let me see
Nor did I know of defiance
Until you became a toddler
I didn't know you could tickle yourself
Until you showed me how
I didn't know you felt unconditional love
Until I saw your love for Callum
Nor did I know the best smell in the world
Until I smelt your hair this evening
I didn't know I had it in me
Until you brought it out.

If all these are things I didn't know because I've never asked, seen, heard, touched or smelt, I can only dream of what it is that you will continue to bring to this World and I can only feel emotions cement inside my heart that you are here for great things, Reuben. "

- October 2009, Mama