Revelations

Okay so I went hysterical. Monday morning I took Sam in to receive his 4 month vaccines which already makes me sick. I have a total anxiety attack and get a sick stomach at taking him in for these "well visits." You would too if you saw how they bruttally attack my childs tiny tender thigh with these large needles that leave him bleeding. Sam apparently recovered before we even left the doctor's office but I left feeling terrible.

Well, hours later he is napping so I throw him in his carseat asleep and I run out for an errand. I hand my car keys over to a damage assesor to take a look at it and then start pulling a now fussy baby out of his car seat. So I try to feed him and he starts to really wail. I think to myself this is soo my fault I should have fed him and now he is too hungry. So I try to calm him down and he is just screaming which is very atypical for him. I wonder if he has gas and I try to burp him on my knee and as I'm doing this I feel this hot lump on his leg. Oh my god! I scream in my head that's where one of his shots were. How could I have missed it? How long was it like this? My son was in excruciating pain. I was soo scared for him, I was a total loss as of what to do. I dump out the diaper bag to speed dial his doctors' office but Sam is screaming soo loud I can't hear the operator. I speed dial my mother and by now I'm crying what do I do? He's having a reaction to the vaccine that I was so unsure about subjecting him to in the first place. My head is spinning. I decide I better just head back to his Doctor's office. I scream hysterically inside the Auto Body shop that I need my keys because my wailing son is having an allergic reaction. It was horrible to strap him back in the carseat but I had no choice.

I raced back in heavy traffic to his doctor's office (I am soo glad I didn't get in an accident because I was completly overcome with empathy and concern for my child). They took us back right away, probably because we were both crying.

I realized in that exam room as we were sitting around waiting for the doctor that I truly loved my son. This was a major moment for me, I had been wondering since he was born If I was just going through the motions because I wanted soo much to be a good mom. Well, this was the moment I realized it was real. My son was in pain and I would have done anything to be in his place and take the pain from him. I know that I am truly in love with him and always have been. It sometimes takes a dramatic event for me to feel things deep in my soul it's like my heart get's an engraving.

The calm nurses and MD reassured me that everything was going to be fine despite that my baby was reeling and my nerves were shot. They administered a fast acting dose of Tylenol and gave me a cold compress for his leg. Within 20 minutes he was letting me nurse him and settling down. That is the boy you see in this pic. Not his typical joyful self but, not screaming in agony. The next 2 days I coddled him in everyway. I threw in the towel on doing anything else and just held him and sung too him, stayed ahead of his Tylenol schedule and applied a cold wet rag to keep the hot welt on his leg down. I nursed him before he got a chance to get hungry and made silly faces just to see him smile. Well, he quickly recovered as I really wore myself out. I get teary just writing about him being hurt.

I love him. I love his daddy. We are soo blessed.

By the way... Sam's revelation that day as he was staring up at the exam lights was that he may someday pursue a career in the medical field.