The Alternative Budget Speech

Mr Deputy Speaker,

This Budget I have decided to be honest with the people. To be frank, we have spunked the entire nation's wealth on a handful of shiny beans, and after the election the financial markets are going to give us such a prolonged and hard spanking as has never before been seen outside of specialised Soho establishments. We face five years of gruel-slurping austerity and there is nothing we can do about it.

My government's only hope is this quick magic show during which I will attempt to hypnotise the whole electorate and this House. First, what's this inside my budget case? Look, it's Mr Flopsy Ears, the Easter Bunny.

Now, look into my eyebrows... not around the eyebrows... not under the eyebrows... deep deep into the eyebrows....


... and you're under.