Again

A more sombre blip today - but again for the fourth time in as many years I found myself stood in front of a crowd of mourners speaking about a member of our family who has passed. This time it was a distant great Aunt - and I was speaking on behalf of family who could not be present - so it afforded slightly more distance from the emotion of the event and probably more reflection.  I'm now able to muster a wry smile that the reverend knows me by name and on sight - when he said that I would speak by custom however - that sent a shiver down my spine that this might become my family role.

Unlike the horror of Mum's passing, the relief of my uncle's (he had MND) or the jovial atmosphere at my Grandad's (those old service men know how to do a send off in style) - this time I was able to be fully focused on not just the reflections I made - but the hymn's and music that were chosen - the ways in which others remembered and the formalities of the day.

Back in Lytham I've always been reluctant to visit my mothers grave - I visit my Gradfather when I go back to the farm - somehow the little village church & graveyard seem right - as did his passing - but Mum's grave is not a place I've felt any sense of ease or comfort - the sprawling crematorium & graveyard offer no solace or space for contemplation - I have no sense of my mother in this place. Yet - it holds a draw - it seems wrong to be there and not wander over - to pause, but ultimately there's nothing to say in this lonely place.

As we age I know that this will be a thing that comes in phases - the grandparent generation of my family are nearly all gone -and in my chosen field of endeavour I know I will lose some friends and colleague's - but for now I think enough is enough for a while.