Episode one, in which Le Roi gets long winded

My first day as ruler! And the first engagement in the Royal Diary was at Tynecastle where I was to meet the Queen of the South. Disappointingly, there was no castle at all, and it appears that Queen of the South are in fact a team of stout fellows from Dumfries who had arrived to play association football. My expectations may have been raised by my previous brush with royalty, but I recovered my composure and observed proceedings from my Royal Box, applauding each of the home team's four goals. Strangely, the largest cheer of the afternoon was reserved for an announcement of the final score elsewhere. How very baffling.
Thereafter, I was escorted by my retinue to a local palace where there was much rejoicing and mirth. It is indeed uplifting to see how my presence affects the spirits of all those around me. But my duties did not end there; I was chauffeured across town to an event in my honour where several commoners were ushered into my company and presented with silverware, presumably for good deeds or examples of outstanding virtue. What an excellent day. And I was presented with a bottle of port from a 'raffle'. So much to learn!
I think I can honestly say in all modesty that never has a King been more fitted to his role than I, nor more adored by his subjects. Arise King Jams!
Oooerrrrr!!!!