Yesterday, nothing seemed enough.

There are not enough hours in the day, days in the week or weeks before Christmas. My holiday is not coming soon enough. (Hum, I am not satisfied enough).

My family is not close enough. I do not see my friends often enough. Texts and phone calls and Facebook are not contact enough.

Clinicians were not replying to my emails quickly enough. My emails were not persuasive enough.

I am not assertive enough. I am not confident enough, open enough, brave enough. I do not know enough. I am not strong enough. I am not realistic enough. I am not ambitious enough. I do not trust God enough... And that is just the edited version.

I am not enough. No matter where I looked or how many tasks I ticked off my to-do list (not enough) my not enough-ness kept staring me in the face; uncomfortable and painful to look at yet impossible to ignore.

And if I am not enough then how am I supposed to do...well, everything? Anything? Those 101 little things that add up to those big things.

Suddenly, the mountain seems to have reached new heights, its shadow pouring over me and leaving me cold. How did I get here and where is the way out? I didn't ask for it to be this way. I certainly don't want this. I will quite happily sing about blessings through raindrops but right now I would much rather have rays of sunshine, thank you very much.

Did I mention that there are not enough hours of daylight?

But then, from somewhere, a song enters my mind; a musical reminder of God's strength on which I can stand:

"For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We'll stand against the devil's lies"

Which brings to mind that verse so familiar it seems silly to have forgotten:

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

And as my focus shifts the words & tunes keep coming; washing over me with comfort and warming my heart like a mug of sweet tea.

"Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy praise"

"Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35

"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine and ten thousand beside...Great is thy faithfulness"

Then, I pause. I stop. I look back. This isn't the first time, it won't be the last and that is terrifying. But the wonderful truth is that I have hope.

"In Christ alone my hope is found, he is my light, my strength, my song".

Instead of looking to Christ I focused on myself. I saw my weaknesses and not his power. I remembered my failures and forgot his faithfulness. I listened to the devil's lies instead of turning to God's word.

On my own, I am not enough. But God provides all that I need for today. Bread from heaven. I have a sure and lasting hope in Jesus.

Yes, it's hard. Sometimes, it's really hard. The doubts still niggle and the loneliness lingers. But there is so much more. God is so much more. If he could bring the Israelites through the Red Sea he can bring me through my PhD. And while I ride the storm He is here in the boat with me.

And that, that is enough.

I just need to remember.

So here, with my polka dot mug of tea in the quiet of the morning office, I pause. As C.S. Lewis so eloquently put it:

"It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind."