Lego Story Part 3

Previously on ION Lego

Tim the guitarist and Sidney the vocalist have decided to form a band, and they're auditioning for new members. Doesn't sound like a lot has happened yet does it? Noooooo. However they're in for a surprise when the first audition features a world famous face.

Sidney: Before we go on why are you holding your guitar through the auditions?

Tim: We look the same. This way they know I play the guitar. You have nothing so they know your the singer, or a manager or something.

Sidney: Whatever. Right's who's first.....

At that moment none other than Bart Simpson wanders into the rehearsal room, which is effectively a small pile of my CD's with some limited edition Rancid guitar picks propped up as a kind of back drop

Bart: Dudes. Listen. I need an out from my show, seriously. When it started it was all about me, the Bartman, but as things progressed it became clear that naughty kids weren't funny, but wholly irresponsible moronic parents were. I'm a stranger on my own show now, it's all about that idiot Homer. I think there was even an episode once without me in it. Me. Bart Simpson.

Sidney: Firstly can I say I'm a big fan, big fan.

Tim: I was but every dog has it's day and you do need to move on Bro. I mean seriously, the Rugrats knew when to call it quits, you never see Daffy Duck on telly now. You guys are almost as tedious as Friends repeats became, or as tedious as the once excellent Big Bang Theory will probably become.

Bart: Whatever dudes, am I in?

Tim: What do you play?

Bart: Skateboard

Sidney: He means instrument

Bart: Nothing man, instruments were Lisa's bag. She had a sax which offered up several comedy opportunities during our 1,000,000 show run. I never did. I was the cheeky one, did you never watch?

Tim: What do you expect to do in our band?

Bart: I can rap.

Sidney: Fuck off. We don't do rap, were credible. Rap sold out. We sing about real life stuff, not rap about money and hoes and cars and what gold we have. You're not in the band.

Bart You're making a mistake here. I've had more top ten hits than this Rancid you keep going on about. remember 'Do The Bartman'? It was everywhere one Christmas in the very late eighties or maybe early nineties. I'm a star, imagine if I leave that bloody show everyone is going to want to know what I'm going to do next.

Sidney: Martine McCutcheon has more top ten hits than Rancid, as does Bob the Builder. Even Chris Waddle and Glenn Hoddle had a top ten hit. What does that tell you? We should have them in our band? Do you think they even make Chris Waddle and Glenn Hoddle out of Lego? No.

Bart: But.....


Tim: Let me stop you there Bart Simpson. I have news for you. If you leave the show you're going to go through a series of low brow ITV drama mini series like Stacey Slater did when she left Eastenders. TV rarely finds a vehicle for someone who's face is inextricably attached to a soap in the way your's is. Okay I grant you Nick Berry did very well out of Heartbeat after Eastenders, but his number one hit 'Every Loser Wins' was turgid. That's you. You'll make turgid records and maybe find a role in Family Guy if you're lucky. If not you'll be back on the Simpsons within a year on less money and with a smaller role. Like Harold Bishop from Neighbours. Or Dirty Den. His comeback flopped didn't it? Made him too dirty. They might make you too naughty boy-ish and the public will hate you even more. I suggest you go back to your show now and do what you're good at otherwise the best you can hope for is eating kangeroos testicles in the jungle with some blubbering skanky mess from Essex or doing Iceland adverts once Andres time is up.

Bart: Oh.

Sidney: You heard the man. Do one.

What next for our fledgling band? Will they find that all important drummer? Will anymore famous faces show up for auditions? Is this story going anywhere at all. These questions, (and others perhaps) answered in full over the coming weeks. Excitement isn't the word.

Really. It isn't.