Grrrrr

What is the matter with me today? I was in bed before midnight and slept until 10am. Didn't wake up in the night either. I felt so much better after the back-to-normal early starts this week. Snuggly time with Little B helped.

My sister and I made plans to go to Fego's for breakfast, and I told her I didn't want to rush. I was chivvied and nagged and berated until 1pm when I finally gave in. She told me I had to drive, then criticised my driving, my choice of music, etc..... Normally I'm on a very even keel, and could let it wash over me, but today I felt really pissed off! I felt very irritable but I didn't really know why.

We had a nice breakfast, and there was a lovely dad and daughter of about eight in a school uniform sat at the table next to us. The dad was Irish, and very chatty, and they took a shine to Little B, who the boss, aka Little R, had tethered to the leg of the table. He was very good, and his little tail wagged at lots of passers by. I think the sunshine, and the fact that he was out rather helped!

We had a lovely breakfast- scrambled eggs, toast, sausage and bacon for me, and this smoothie, although it came to £16 which was a tad over budget! The sun was hazy and it was lovely and warm, so we had a wander to a couple of gift shops. I bought a little decorative dish I quite liked.

We made our way home, and stopped off to get my car washed- it's white, or rather it was grey. Shelle and Nick returned from their trip to Spain last night, and she was waiting for us when we got home. B was thrilled to see her!

I felt absolutely shattered though. I thought it was due to feeling full after breakfast, but it lasted all day and not a thing passed my lips until 11pm, when I forced myself to eat some fruit. I did a few jobs, and was trying to sort plans to go out (oh, the joys of Tinder!), but I actually felt quite weak, and generally unwell, and my legs felt a bit shaky. I lay on the landing in the sunshine while sending and replying to loads of messages.

Unfortunately a friend was tagged in a post on FB with guy friend, and I saw him in the pics of the group. He works for a big finance company in London, and every September they throw a huge weekend party which he told me is like a massive event and usually means a weekend away. Plus he gets to take friends that don't work for the company. I remember laughing with him last year about how my work's end of year do is a bit tame compared to his! I had hoped earlier in the year that I might get to go, but obviously with things as they are, that flew out the window. It just made me feel really sad again. I pick myself back up, have a good few days or week, and then something like this just brings it all back and makes me feel really shit again. I miss him. And that aside, the result is what I knew would be inevitable. That I would lose my new social group. Ostracised is more like it. It sucks. And I feel cross with my friend, even though I know I'm being unreasonable and it's not her fault. All she did was become part of a new group. But she and another friend almost became an item, and yet remained friends. I suppose I'm upset that guy friend and I couldn't have done that. A few months ago it was completely different. I fitted into their world, and they welcomed me. I suppose it's awkward, and a case of loyalty I suppose. But guy friend's world was exciting to me, and I wish things were different so that I could continue to experience new opportunities and adventures from the safety of his friendship.

I can't help how I feel. I'm on a bit of a downer tonight. Same old same old. It seems like sometimes some people get everything they want, and everywhere they turn, things work out, and they get what they want. I don't. I never did. All that stuff about " good things come to those who wait"- well I waited a long time, and finally it came, and I got to see how great life can be. But sure enough, once again, it was all taken away again. And here I am back at square one, having to try and pick up the pieces.

I'm really tired of it. I can't get over somebody, yet I know I have to. But how long is it going to take? I can imagine I'm going to spend the rest of the year watching mutual friends being tagged out and about with him, in places and doing things that a few months ago I would have been a part of. And I don't want to spend the next year feeling like this. Although this friend told guy friend a little more than she should have several times, and accidentally caused some trouble, she is a good friend. But I hit the unfollow button on FB earlier today. I suppose this way their fun should stop popping up in my news feed...

I felt like bursting into tears a lot today, not least when I was berated by Little R for not sharing anything with her, and then being told to just get over him.

I looked in the mirror this evening and thought I looked dreadful. I feel sick too, and just not right. But I've been irritable and irrational for a few days, and felt upset. I suppose it's PMS, but I've never ever suffered with any of that, I hardly notice when "it" happens each month.

Right, enough moaning. A bit of a miserable blip tonight, but important to document the healing process- well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hopefully things will get better, and I'll look back at this and realise how silly I was. At the moment it feels like it will never get better.