1095

Arthur Snortlegrass started this day as any other day, by letting out the most boisterous bit of wind whilst smiling quietly as he did so. It was his way of saying to the world 'I might have to play in your streets, but I will do so in my own trump defining way.'

His loyal dog, Buster, had long since learnt to not react to such rude offerings from his master, and therefore did what he always did and stuffed his nose under Arthur's wife's armpit. True, the smell wasn't much better, but it felt nice and warm and safe in Enid's hollow pit.

'Off to work we go!' declared Arthur as he pulled his large bulk up to the side of the groaning bed. The fact that Arthur hadn't worked for exactly 3 years after a disagreement with his manager led to fisticuffs and a threat of a court hearing, was as ever overlooked by Enid who now pulled her petite body out of bed to get ready for her 10 hour shift at the local Care Home, 'Blessed Hearts.' Arthur had not returned to work since the 'incident' as he miraculously had come into some sort of income inheritance from a long lost aunt she had never heard of. The word smug never suited somebody more.

An hour later, and Enid safely deposited to work after making Arthur his customary full English, the now even heavier frame was pulled by his Jack Russell into the local park, The Royal Fruit. The park was named after an apple tree managed to magically appear 34 years after Queen Elizabeth the 1st allegedly ate part of an apple and tossed it over into a local field, namely the aforementioned park. 'A miracle' declared the local noblemen, 'a joke' grumbled Arthur as he once again worked his way around the overgrown greenery and the tortuous paths that any dog walker must face.

Arthur's journey was, as any walk with Buster, disorientating. One moment the little blighter would sprint pulling his heavy breathing master behind him. The next Buster would snort some sniff out with such dedication that Arthur was almost inclined to lower his heavy body to join in. As they walked, Arthur mused on other names the park could have been given that would have been more fitting such as 'Road to Nowhere,' 'Road to Hell,' 'Bushy Park,' 'Hanging Gardens of Babylon,' or 'Twin Peaks.' These little quips kept him going as his stomach called out for more food and his heart cried out for mercy.

Turning a corner it was then, in a wondrous moment of never would his life be the same, Arthur caught sight of a naked portly man having his way with a pretty young local lass who, as he got closer he saw was Hermione from the pie shop. Arthur didn't break his step though he did understandably break wind, as he walked quickly, almost cantered, to the scene and the lovely young lady who managed,

'Will you be in for your pies later Arthur?'

'I will!' Arthur laughed whilst turning his attention to his great tormentor, his old Manager who has ruined his career, Gerald Bassenthwaite.

'Gerald,' said Arthur with much glee, 'how lovely to see you, though I should say I'm seeing a little too much at this point!'

Gerald quickly bent down to retrieve his pants giving Arthur a full moon to contend with whilst to his left young Hermione was trying to discreetly fit her ample breasts into a clearly far too small bra.

'Can I help at all,' asked a delighted Arthur.

'No thankyou,' replied Hermione, 'I've got them in now, always tricky to get the left one in when I'm in a hurry,' she declared triumphantly, happily oblivious to Arthur's tone.

'Be with you in a moment,' said Gerald, who had thankfully found his pants and was now looking for his trousers. Hermione on the other hand has thrown on her floral dress with ease and declared,

'Right then Arthur, see you later,' and off she went with no comment at all to Bassenthwaite who to be fair didn't seem to notice. He was now fairly dressed and, decency restored, turning to Arthur with a face of innocence.

'How's Sybil?' asked Arthur, immediately taking the wind out of Gerald's sail as the name of his wife slapped across his face like a wet haddock. He thought about offering a poor excuse only to realise his position was useless.

'Now I realise how this must look Arthur,' he said, his tone humble and contrite, 'but Hermione, well, how could I not help her out?'

'Help her out?' asked a wide smiling Arthur.

'Yes, she has asked if I minded showing her my recent appendix scar!' Gerald said gravely.

'And you didn't?' asked Arthur with as much innocence as he could manage.

'Not at all! Always happy to help out.

'And she was naked because she wanted to compare her appendix scar? Arthur asked.

'Yes! That's right!' replied Gerald with great relief, 'why did you notice it?'

'I noticed many things,' Arthur responded, 'and not one was a scar. I must say you've put Hermione in a new light for me. Pie buying will take on a whole new meaning for me. 'Can I have a pair of your best Hermione?' I will declare loudly to the shop! However as for you, you demented halfwit, I'm going to have some fun with you!'

'Fun?' asked a clearly afraid Gerald.

'Oh yes!'

'I suppose you'll want your job back?'

'Job! laughed Arthur , 'job? Of course not. Much as I despise what you did to me that day, I certainly wouldn't want to be anywhere near that place anymore!'

Gerald thought about pointing out that Arthur had been caught stealing a rather expensive TV, DVD player and surround sound stereo system from the warehouse but thought, given he'd only recently been caught with his own pants down, better of it.

'So what do you want?! he asked contritely,

'One thousand and ninety five pounds.'

'What?!' almost screamed Gerald, partly out of anger for being asked for money, and partly out of being asked for so little.

'Yes, a pound a day since you sacked me.'

'And that's it?' asked a disbelieving Bassenthwaite.

'Yup,' replied Arthur happily,

'OK,' Gerald threw back quickly, suddenly aware of a gift horse and mouth moment.

'I will of course always have this great memory,' went on Arthur, 'and you will always know what the glint in my eye is just as I've always known why you felt so full of yourself every time you saw me.'

'Yes,' mumbled Gerald as he began to put his shoes on, relief filling his previously racing heart.'

'You never asked me why I was stealing?' said Arthur.

'No, no I didn't.'

'Nor why your old man didn't press charges.'

'No.'

'And if I'd done it before.'

Young Bassenthwaite, curiosity raised, looked to Arthur and simply said, 'well?'

'Your Pa was always a fan of young ladies scars too. I found him 5 years ago in the confectionary section of the warehouse with young Michaela Munroe. They were crushing a box of crunchies to be exact. He let me steal some quality electrical items every month thereafter. His way of saying thankyou for keeping quiet. I mean, we all like crunchies after all don't we! Then you came along, all prim and proper and your old Dad, well he had to appear to be doing the right thing didn't he! Never stopped paying me though; in fact year on year I've had handsome pay rises. Your £1095 will just be a nice little bonus.'

Gerald had gone whiter shades of white during Arthur's monologue and now didn't know whether to swing for the fat man or not. He didn't for one moment question the truth of what he has just heard and there was no morale high ground to be had here, but even so this turn of events just felt wrong.

'So that makes you a big man does it Arthur, spying on people and then blackmailing them for your own gain?'

'I guess it does!' said Arthur who was now being pulled away from the scene of the amorous encounter by a now extremely bored Buster. He therefore did not see the sudden turn of Gerald, the way he picked up a large stone with his right hand and then without thinking twice caught up with Arthur and promptly landed it on his head. In fact Arthur would now never see anything again because his lights had been turned out for good.

If Buster could speak human words then he could have told the police what had happened but in truth his walks became much more pleasant with a humming Enid as she stepped out with her dog and a new lease of life together with a sizeable bank balance from several life insurance policies.

As for Gerald and Hermione, well their secret encounter was safe. They would never see each other in that way again, though Gerald did like to keep his eye in by popping into the pie shop and having a good look at what was on offer.

And as for the murder weapon? Well it sits pride of place in the Bassenthwaite's ornamental rock gardens surrounded by the blood flowers and their all year colour of zest and suggestion.

A X

PS a little after 3 years due to occasional idleness..... I can only apologise. May blippers everywhere be happy and have blip children. Thankyou for dropping by, always.