Not Shining Now

Some people thrive on tests, exams, reviews and development talks. I'm not one of them. I'm the opposite.

In fact, I find just the thought of them, the preporation of them makes my sleeping light and my breathing shallow.

Panic sets in and I've regressed back to my 'O' and 'H' grade exams where the fear was so bad that several of my exams lasted no more that 10 minutes before I had to leave the hall.

Looking back it was of course panic attacks, brought on by my consistantly stressfull and uncomfortable home life. But at the time, I feared I was going to die.

I was far from a stupid child and I'm far from a stupid adult, but I find the constant preperations for reviews, global reviews, development talks, analysis and progress reporting unbearable. My minds going blank. When I'm not in work I want to go in to get things done, but when I'm there I long to leave.

So due to the up coming review on Tuesday, I spent today looking for a new job. And found nothing. I know I'll have to stand and discuss my business with a selection of my senior management and co-workers looking on while my mind goes blank and my breathing increases and know I've let mself down and made a tit of myself to boot. So I find myself in the unusual position of working for the company that I love in a job that I don't. Can't have everyting I suppose.

And I know you said I'll shine, but unfortunately I know I will not.
Phew, glad I got that out.