Red Tape: A Rant & A Funny Video At The End

There are many things to love about living in Spain. The people are for the most part friendly, the weather is for the most part agreeable, and the football is of a higher standard than I am used to back home. But...

Anyone who has tried to deal with petty bureaucratic civil servants in this country will probably tell you the same story. These sociopaths sit at their desks in vast offices with permanent sneers on their coupons that appear to have been welded on after they passed the job interview and paid the relevant backhanders. These are the safest jobs in the country and Spain has more civil servants (an oxymoron if ever there was one) per head of population than almost any other country in the world. It appears to me that their sole duty is to make life difficult or better still impossible for anyone who crosses their paths. "Civil Obstructors" is what they should be called.

My visit to them today consisted of taking some paperwork and all relevant photocopies of my ID, fiscal number, residencia etc in order to take a break from trading as a autonomo (self employed) since I will be away for a while.. Easy no? You have to be prepared for these bastards because if you forget one single photocopy you're toast. Experience in these matters is essential and I arrived at their dark lair fully prepared and with positive thoughts. Here is what happened translated into English:

Me: "Good morning."

Sociopath: Looking up at me as if I were a child killer: "What do you want?"

Me: Hackles raised immediately. "I need to stop my social security payments temporarily."

Sociopath: Why?

Me: "That's not really your concern. I have all the relevant paperwork."

Sociopath: "Give me the tax forms." She says without looking up at me.

I hand them over but retain all the other stuff because now I want to make her ask for it.

Sociopath: "Passport?"

I hand it over.

Sociopath: "Copies?"

I hand two copies over and she peruses them as if I we're trying to cross the border into China with an ASDA club card

Sociopath: "Fiscal details?"

I hand this paperwork over as well

Sociopath: "Two copies."

I hand them over and now I am beginning to enjoy the encounter safe in the knowledge that I have everything I need to get in and out quickly.

She still hasn't looked at me but I see a slight smile of satisfaction begin to slide it's way across her slippery face.

Sociopath: "You appear to have all the relevant paperwork filled out correctly and signed in the appropriate places."

Me: "Yes I do." A satisfied smug grin on my face.

She picks all the A4 sheets up, arranges them neatly by banging them on her desk in the way newsreaders do at the end of their bulletin, looks at me for the first time and says: "I cannot process your forms."

Me: Blood pressure now rising. "Why."

Sociopath: " Because you want to cease trading on the 31st July."

Me: "Yes."

Sociopath: "Today is the 25th. Come back on the 31st."

Me: Now about to become a civil servant killer. "Can't you just mark the date in advance on the computer program?"

Sociopath: "No."

Me: Realising a possible solution that will sink her boat. "Well let's just start it from today then."

Sociopath: "Can't do that. You've written the 31st on the form and it would now involve a visit to the Hacienda to get the date changed." (The Hacienda is the main tax office that deals with these things and not the famous Manchester dance club of the 80's although I'm sure they would have sorted this out with less fuss).

Realising that I am now defeated I pick up my paperwork and calmly weave my way past all of the other sociopaths sitting at their desks before I do something that may involve me having to negotiate the Spanish judicial system as well. They look at me with a "there goes another destroyed small businessman." look on their faces and resume eating babies for their lunch.

If anyone is thinking of coming to this country to set-up business please think again. I'm serious. They don't make it easy for you. If you are a big business such as a bank or a member of the Spanish Royal family or a high ranking politician you can fill your boots with as many tax avoidance deals, backhanders and illegal cash payments as you want. I think it's even encouraged.

This short 3 minute video is almost an exact replica of what went on this morning. It's very funny in it's own right and was made by Spanish people so it's not just a problem for us aliens. For anyone living n Spain they will recognise it immediately.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wtbQUaC9mE


Rant over