How Far to the Cross?

There have been times when I have question myself on this subject. Whether or not I have answers at times is beyond me. However, for me, while on sabbatical, I have wondered what God is asking of me.

It is strange how theological college has been on my mind, )probable because on FB someone posted a photograph of us all looking eleven years younger, standing in the quad of Luther King House, Manchester) and everything I and my fellow minister’s went through as we trained to become vessels for God spirit to work in the communities in which we have and continue to serve. I won’t say that being a minister has been the easiest vocation to adopt and grow into, and there have been times when I have seriously wondered why on earth God chose me to be his servant. I am often perplexed by the complexity of what I understand to be church and often by the exceptions of my role within its structures.

I started to read a book written by Sylvia Mayall called, ‘The Silent Mentor’, (©2014, published by 2QT Ltd, Kendal) in which the lead character sets a trail for reader to find... Well God, maybe? Or something else... To me there does seem s be more than one love affair within the pages that is self evident, but at times illusive. However, this book is unstoppable, tiredness normally takes over and Sylvia was really surprised that I was falling asleep while reading it, but she took it in good part, smiling broadly, chuckling, and for that I am grateful.

I’ve not wanted to cry on this sabbatical, but there have been times when tears might have been appropriate, when I think about how F.I.N.E. I really am in ministry. The danger for me about being so open about my feelings, my searching, people might see me in another light, but in sharing with others, even if it almost anonymous, because so few people are responding to my blips and reflections, I do wonder why I spend time writing them. It is always possible that I am not that interesting. Notwithstanding, the limited responses, maybe I am not ready to hear what people really think. Having said that, I have rarely be that glad to hear what people truly think of me. I have found taking criticism difficult and often hurtful, because in my experience the justification for it, has been unworthy and not God inspired, but a human reaction of revenge, of lashing out, because I am a church minister, a Christian, who must continually turn the other cheek. For which I find myself somewhat feeling battered by these dressing-downs.

I have tried in my ministry to take people with me. To do what I thought God was asking. To go the extra mile. The Manse is open to all, not just family, but to friends, and various people I have met on the ‘Way’ during the past 78 days. There has been a time of great blessing and time of great joy, but I am also F.I.N.E. I have felt raw emotion while I have been away and I was surprised that I felt it so keenly last week, when an Angel came to visit and I took a long walk around Holy Island. There will be some sensitive ministers, friends, relatives, and church members, who might understand, because they have been there. Equally, there will be others reading this and thinking, ‘what do I have to complain about?’ I’m not complaining! I’m crying out that I am F.I.N.E.!

Sylvia writes in her book, ‘The Silent Mentor’ F.I.N.E. (Feeling Inadequate, Needing Encouragement).

Subnote:
It was easy to write, but more difficult to hold together one’s emotions... And where was God in all this? Doing what he does best listening and not condemning me for being just F.I.N.E. Now the tears, like the rain outside, fall unashamedly, misting the view to the point I can barely see the keyboard... I need to walk away.............................................

Sometime later....

A postscript:
I’ve just re-read what I have written and still the emotion is raw from within me. Why is the Cross of Jesus so far away, that at times I feel disconnected and yet connected with him through my art and my photography? What is it about the Cross that seems so far away at times?