Melt; Wash Away

Dave Matthews Band - Stay or Leave

Woke up beginning with stress, I thought I had to work today. Relief was only brief when I realized it wasn't. I suppose I was tired but it was hard getting up at 9:30am. Yet I tried. Went to the gym, went hard and surprisingly didn't break a sweat. Went to my Japanese lesson, on TIME for once, had a great lesson, then spent 3 hours studying for a test I have next week. My brain wasn't functioning properly and I kept forgetting vocabulary, perhaps it's because I'm a little nervous for it. Not to worry, it's because I care and want to get back into the swing of things like I used to be.

I had dinner with a friend of mine and spoke Japanese the entire time, 3 hours plus, which is a record that I've destroyed. Rather happy with that despite having spoken completely in broken Japanese. I admire and love my students even more.

After studies, before the dinner I walked around the city on my usual Monday route and went shopping. Bought a pair of sunglasses I've always wanted for a long time and decided to shell out the cash for it. The short-term satisfaction was short-lived, just like the relief of not having to work. I spend a lot of time mulling over whether to buy things or not. I decided to also buy a briefcase that I've had my eye on for a long time. I mean, it's just a bag but a briefcase can be viewed as an expression of how you wish to work. For little things like this I slave over prices, usage, time, money, etc. prior to purchasing and one of my closest friends would tell me, "Just buy it!" So I went, but it was gone. This always seems to be the case. Little things that have no meaning in the long-run. It's just a bag. It's just a pair of sunglasses.

For whatever reason, when it comes to relationships, friends, family and partners, how is it that objects are much easier to throw away than people? A friend in particular that I have/had said that friends are easy to make and that getting rid of one doesn't matter. If they piss you off just throw them away. I find that perspective extremely hard to fathom. Yet there is an incredible amount of truth to it that I don't want to believe. Why try when living "callously" keeps you in a safe bubble away from hurt? How much pride and arrogance should one have before conceding to the fact that one is not completely right? I don't know. But you can go on about your own life doing whatever you wish, respecting others. By that principle, it is "correct" I think. Such lofty philosophies are difficult to carry over your head for a long time, however.

This same person said that experience is of utmost importance instead of material possessions. True. Yet experience of pain and other such adverse emotions makes for more truer perspective. Therefore cutting people from your life that have meant something to you seems to be shelling oneself off from growth. Clearly I haven't experienced enough to understand, so therefore lucky to be complaining about such trite things. Perhaps I should call people I've cut off, if for any other reason but to simply acknowledge a time that was worthwhile. Every moment lived is worthwhile, so I have nothing to worry about. Nothing. Clearly I'm living in the past which is not healthy, but by the end, with the lack of reflection, there is no understanding of the brevity of now. I'm greedy and can't let go despite this method of living to be an easy way out.

Many people have come in and out of my life, but what do you say when it's washed away? I sometimes ponder about the first crush I had when I was 4 years old, Rachel was her name, and think about what it would be like to meet now. But in truth, it would be awkward and we would have a very difficult time to make conversation. Sad as that may be, this negative feeling would eventuate into the understanding that it is a matter of timing and mutual openness which allows people to run parallel together at any given time. Rachel and I may hit it off or not, but the same could be said for a complete stranger you meet tomorrow. You can meet the best friend you ever had or fall in love with the most beautiful person you have never met yet. Anything could happen. How wonderful.