Dear Mr Ashley,

Why do you insist on sending me your ugly, ugly mugs whenever I shop in your shop? I can only assume you have megalomaniacal tendencies and this is but a small part of some evil plot to take over the world.

I'd just like to say that I now have more of your mugs than I do kitchen cupboards. And I cannot take it anymore. For the love of God PLEASE STOP or I may be forced to kidnap Alan Pardew and post bits of him back to you in bubble wrap and cardboard boxes that you have to go to the Post Office to collect.

Yours sincerely,

Doolally of Lincolnshire