Just me and bee

I could write nothing in here.
I could protect people - spare them, perhaps, more of my struggles.

But it's useful for me a) to write stuff down, and b) to look back in the future and see how I've dealt with things and how hard I'm working.

It's horrible working so hard, fighting anxiety, pushing myself to fight back and still feeling as if life's picking on me.

I assessed the day before I got up. I knew it was going to be hard. I felt thoroughly exhausted after many days of a pounding heart and rushes of cortisol like kicks to the stomach. I took it slow, I took painkillers, I bashed into furniture, I spilt my coffee, I refused to be beaten.
I will not be beaten.

I've fought anxiety all my life. I didn't always know that was what I was fighting - when you're born with it you don't know any different. But I did know I was fighting something, and that's not going to stop. But in adulthood, life can be disappointing, people can be disappointing and it's easier and more common to get disillusioned and sometimes I feel so let down. I see evidence that people who are not born one of those always making an extra effort seem to be missing something, an all important element of compassion perhaps...

There was a lot I wanted to do today but I was weak and shaking so I had to take it easy.

Once I decided just to take today as it came and not to beat myself up too much, some thoughtless person sent a shitty work email that I had to deal with and my already high tension and anxiety spilled over. After I'd sent a response someone else piled in and I felt I was being bullied, so I went outside into the garden with my camera and my vulnerability, and begged nature to rescue me. I've learnt some tricks for dealing with anxiety and changing focus is an important one. But when I came back in another email was waiting for me like a punch.

People really can be completely thoughtless shitholes. Is it the Internet? Is it because they can't see us?

Sometimes I wish I was a tough bitch. But mostly I wish other people just didn't do nasty things and then somehow justify their behaviour and/or deny any nastiness.

Right now I am sick of scraping myself up off the floor though and wish I could spend my life surrounded by and photographing creatures without the corrupt motives of humans.

It feels as if to be a successful you have to be a bit tough and heartless. You can't be too vulnerable, you can't be too emotional. You have to have a thick skin.

I guess I'll have to settle for human over successful and let everyone else get on with it