De Hems

I've had a very busy day today.

Made myself get up early to do my bedding laundry, chores, etc. even though I was really tired. Decided to skip a Sainsbury's shop this week in an effort to save money, plus I haven't really eaten very much lately so feels like it's not really worth it.

I had a 2nd date with a guy I met a few weeks ago. It turned into a glorious day, and was like summer at 20 degrees. We went for a walk to Virginia Water, and must have walked about 2 miles while we chatted. It was really pretty, and I had forgotten just how lovely it is there. We stayed about 2 hours, and had a drink at the little concession stand there.

I was a bit of a desperado tonight, and desperate to get out. My guy friend (the subject of numerous heartsick blips!) was unexpectedly dj-ing tonight at the Dutch bar in Soho, so I asked him if I could go to. I say asked, I actually moved heaven and earth to make sure I could go and didn't miss out. Just another example of an out of character thing I've been doing the last few weeks. Anyway, he and another of his friends said to come, so I paid my sister £20 to drive me into London! I had a really lovely night, and it was so nice to relax, even though I don't drink, and not be alone. They are a lovely ( and lively!) bunch of people, and I made a couple of friends I think. It finished at 12, and while the rest of the pub cleared out, I had to wait for my friend to get his money, so I snapped a few blurry pics on my phone. We took the train home this time, even though he normally drives, so it was a half hour walk to Waterloo. It was chilly but clear, and it was lovely to walk across the bridge and see the London eye all lit up.

We headed right to the back of the train, being that it was the very last one, and managed to find a carriage that was free from the usual punks, skunks and drunks! The train was quite slow, but secretly I was quite glad, as even though we were both tired, it meant extra time to chat.

When we got back to Woking, we had a nice walk back to his place. And then it happened. I had said I wouldn't stay over as I usually do, mostly to take the pressure off, and partly because I did have to be up early for a competition tomorrow. But as he started heading to my car, I completely panicked. I think because it threw me as although we've never made firm plans, he always invited me to stay, and this time he didn't. Before I knew it, I was rambling about not making me go home, causing me to feel really anxious, and the poor guy, desperate for sleep, wondering what the hell was up with me. I managed to persuade him to just let me sit in his apartment until I felt better, which he kindly did. I sat on the sofa while he put his stuff away, trying to get a hold of myself. I did not want to go home, but didn't want to stay if he didn't want me to. He was lovely about it all, if a little confused, but I suspect too exhausted to deal with drama! He said we needed to make a decision, and I said I wanted to stay, and he was absolutely fine with that. He was very sweet, and I just kept apologising, as it was totally out of character for me, which he agreed. I must have apologised about 1000 times, and he told me to forget it, and not to worry. We ended up having a really nice night, although I felt I'd made a bit of an idiot of myself.

I have been feeling more anxious these last few weeks, without really knowing why, and finally went to the docs earlier in the week. She gave me some anti-anxiety pills which I haven't actually taken yet as I always worry about the side effects.

I think after tonight I'm going to take them asap....