On the wings of some desire.

Last night I dreamed about you - Emmylou Harris

Today is my birthday, and I took this photo while out on a lovely birthday walk with the kids. For this birthday blip I'm going to indulge myself in a wee bit of navel gazing. You have been warned !

The utterly heavenly song by Emmylou breaks my heart each time I listen to it. It has so much yearning, such heartache, acres of impossibility of human desire. And the wings of my own desire is what I want to talk about.

Since becoming single four years ago my heart has flown after impossibility after impossibility after blind hope. None has been successful. In my darker moments I wonder about the shape of this desire that has me reaching out for impossibilities. Are the women I desire just phantoms I use to haunt my loneliness? Is the very impossibility of my desire becoming a reality why I do it? That I'm actually chasing after women that I know will never happen. Is it a sign that I'm not really ready for another relationship?

I don't think it is. I miss having that certain someone to share the day with. That intimacy both physical and spiritual. I think my problem is that I beat these wings of desire too much. It leaves only the gusts of my want pushing away the very person I want to come closer. I can't hear the person over these whoop-whoop-whoops of desire.  I leave no room for gentle drifting together.
This needs to change. Right now there is a woman I desire.  I feel I have so much to give. That I've a good few lives left in me. But riding on the wings of some desire I circle my life like an eagle miles high. Soaring, wing wide, in dizzying circles as the landscape of the day moves unclaimed far below.