Under Neon Loneliness

Slept abysmally; at 2355 I was trying to script a conversation with my parents about having 'met someone', at 0322 I was playing a conversation with my brother about how he'd changed his mobile number and not bothered to tell me his new number. At 0504 I was mentally writing an e mail to another family member about their inability to see there was fault on both sides.

Woke at 0645; text from her announcing sharp shooting pains in her shoulder (all my fault as I'd made her carry dinner ingredients home last night - nothing to do with sleeping on the sofa; oh no!)

And from there on in, I had no interest in the day. Didn't even get up to log on; did it from bed; made coffee about ten to 8, knew Tom was coming for school run; typically 0820, sure enough...

Did school run; fine; and was going to skip by an get crampons from the shed; but she's changed the locks. went inside to see if I could spot a key anywhere obviously but saw instead a kitchen disaster of epic proportions; such squalor it was stunning. I left, sickened, and went back to work; but couldn't. Text big bro for little bro's number; he eventually confirmed the number I had was correct. Phoned Maw, triple cross checked the number; nope it's his number.

So now I have brother who won't speak to me! But had a chat with Maw; I deliberately asked them to dinner Friday night as that gives me an opportunity to speak to them when boys are in bed. But did a fair amount of groundwork; I feel sorry for them having to be dragged into this in their mid 70's but.... They need to understand the insecurity the have instilled in - all of us? - is unhelpful and they have it within them to rectify bits of this.

Anyway, lunch time I was edgy and just exploded into housework; furious washing up, vicious hovering, high tempo clothes folding; vigorous bathroom cleaning.

Finally realised I was hungry as I'd not had breakfast. Oh...

The afternoon was better; I wrote some lists, put some structure into proceedings. But work was not occupying my mind; a few banal exchanges with colleagues by IM and e mail; but all the while wanting alternately tobe wrapped around her and curled up in bed, away from it all.

I went out at dusk, hit the harbour; extremely cool easterly wind off the sea, but nice colours. I wanted to be oh so smart and use a photo of flats with all their windows flaming in the reflected sunset, but - didn't really work as well as this; the nothingness summing up my day; at first glance it looks fine, but look properly and really its very empty....

She is entertain friends - another marital breakup after 20 odd years; another! And I am tired so sleepy and hopefully tomorrow the power of the list will start to weave its magic