Day 101

I felt guilty about cancelling crèche (I had genuinely thought I was ill last night when I emailed them to say I wouldn't be in). I realised this left me with another empty day. Recipe for disaster, perhaps. But I could take myself out somewhere, I thought. I felt anxious as I realised that I didn't feel too bad about this idea. Why could I not do that yesterday? Stress, panic, worry.

I did have to battle with myself to go downstairs for breakfast though.

While I was downstairs, I arranged to clear out a cupboard with Rhoda this afternoon. But then felt guilty that I could do that. I was able to half reassure myself by thinking how yesterday I am pretty certain I couldn't do much to make me feel better so it is probably just I am having a better day today rather than it being that I can always manage.. Probably!

I got an email about some friends struggling and worried about them a bit. I felt low and like I needed company.

I then started having thoughts that led to me feeling jealous and not loved 'enough'. That wasn't very helpful and kept me quite low.

I persuaded myself to do some more of my self help book. That went OK. Until I started reflecting on the verse 'There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus' (Romans 8:1). Ironically this made me feel guilty. But I tried to combat that with the verse again!

I thought about how I don't really love very well. My life is very much about me. Challenging. God can help me love better though, so glad I don't have to change on my own. He is with me!

I napped for a bit, feeling a bit sad and a bit guilty that I was basically being lazy.

At 2:30, I made it downstairs to put in some washing and to start the clear out of the 'cupboard of despair' with Rhoda. I coped very well, I thought, and even went further than planned in cleaning the floor and sorting out some other stuff in the kitchen. I noticed myself getting a bit obsessive but more in a just not quite being able to stop and wanting to clean the whole house way. Not in any way that was particularly raising my anxiety levels. So that was good. It did fill me with some guilt that I was managing so well. Cleaning is meant to be a weakness of mine. Now ATOS are probably going to think I am fine... Need to trust God.

This carried on till I put my dinner on to cook and at this point I was feeling rather in need of a wash myself so I hurried off to have a shower. As I ate my food with Rhoda, my stress levels rose quite high and I felt pretty close to not being able to contain the anxiety. But it didn't last too long and I was fine again when we started playing some games.

After a couple of games (which did take several hours), I returned to bed at 10. That's seven and a half hours of being up and really very active. Maybe I could work...?? Eek.

I am now feeling quite germy. Rationally I don't think there is a problem but I am a bit stressed. And getting more worried about how well I coped with everything the second half of today...