Day 90

In church today we sang 'Only One Name'. I like it a lot, especially the line 'So we sing it through the streets and shout it from the roof tops, Jesus saves!' so I am quite pleased that, despite failing to take any photos on the sunny walk I went on this afternoon, I did get this rooftop photo as the sun went down! It all fits together well.

Last night I decided to do some proper work on this stupid anxiety about getting better as it is driving me crazy! I had hoped (in my perfectionist ways) that I might be able to solve it completely and write a full report here but despite failing miserably in that front, I think I should be pleased with what I did do.

I started by thinking about possible reasons why getting better might be seen by me as a negative thing:

-I have to work and do things. People help me with things like forms and scary things. That might end. But then again, I would feel more able to do such things!

-less time to see friends. I could still see them through, just maybe not so much.

-can't see Lucy. I miss her so much :( but really, she is just another person. There are plenty of people who love and care for me far more than Lucy does. And ultimately, God loves me more than I can know. Anyway, I probably can't see her anyway.

-I have to face the unknown. I do anyway.

-I feel a bit like I won't be in any way special. This is totally ridiculous. How does being depressed make me any more loved or indeed any more worthy of love at all?! Surely if anything I will feel more loved as part of the illness is feeling isolated at times or unloved!!

-I have to achieve and meet expectations. But who says so? I think I expect too much of myself. Anyway, God is with me and will provide for me and help sustain me.

-time will pass. This probably sounds ridiculous as well. And it it: time will pass however well or unwell I am. I guess I feel a bit protected in my little world of letting my life stand still (career wise anyway) and I am scared to move forward. It might be easier if I had a job to go back to but I need to do the whole working out what to do with my life. Although one step at a time. I don't have to stay in anything; I can do one thing for a little bit and then change if I want. I don't need to make life decisions, just small decisions.

Then I asked myself whether worrying about getting better helped in any way. It is an intrusive thought of a very obsessive compulsive nature. If I can convince myself that it would be better not to worry about it, that would make it easier to just label it as an OCD thought and let go of it. The problem is that I do see it as being advantageous in some ways (most certainly not in others!) to worry about it.

If I were to stop worrying about it then it might be easier to get better so if I stop worrying, then I worry!! Nightmare.

I guess this really reveals my core fears: I am terrified of the unknown; I'm scared of hard work and grey aspects of life; I am scared of not being saved and I'm afraid of being alone and unloved.

1. Fear of the unknown.

I shall attempt to combat that with Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Baby steps. One small step at a time.

2. Fear of hard work and the grey aspects of life like getting ill, stresses and suffering.

I have the promise of God that he will help me (Hebrews 4:16):

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I also have the promise of heaven (where there will be no pain, tears or mourning) to look forward to.

3. Fear of not being saved.

This morning's sermon is apt. And what Katherine said to me week before last. Whatever my head is telling me, the message of the Bible and the interpretation of it by Christians around me is that of good news. Good news! God isn't going to let go of me. God is constant even though I am very much not! Am I going to believe OCD that generally gets it wrong? No, I hope.

4. Fear of being alone and unloved.

God is with me always and he loves me beyond measure.

It's hard though... I think I launched myself into the day today quite well, avoiding worrying too much about doing stuff. I was quite emotional at church but I wasn't entirely sure why. Possibly was too tired/hungry. I even stayed for the church lunch which involved a lot of people and chitchat. I didn't worry that much that I had been OK and even organised a walk with Helen. I got very tired but enjoyed it (at least to begin with).

It's this evening that I have been more stressed about how well I might be. Argh! I am too tired to dig any deeper in this whole issue but that will do for today.