Day 88

Morning: d-6 a-7

I had a big stress at the GP surgery about being well enough to work. I felt anxious, guilty and low but worried that if I went and got on with my day, I would be OK and then that would suggest I was OK perhaps. I felt trapped and like I had to keep worrying because otherwise I might be alright.

The GP said the next step after having a sick note would be trying to find a job through job seekers and she didn't think I would cope with that. She also said jobs do involve lots of stress and it is unlikely that I would find the perfect job that made me feel better just like that so carrying on like we are at the moment would be the most sensible thing. She also said a few months more signed off makes little difference to a life of 45 years working!

If I wanted to do anything (and not to make me feel guilty), she said do CBT work.

Even if there have been a few better days, it is not at all long since being flat despite having been getting out.

As I then waited in the pharmacy not feeling that bad, I worried about this being the case. Argh!

Afternoon: d-3 a-3

I spent a lot of the afternoon worrying that I wasn't worrying enough!

One good thing was that I had a truly lovely walk in the sun. I think taking photos helps me practise 'mindful walks'. Lucy was always recommending them as a way to live in the moment. They can be so good for distracting me from worries and sadness. I enjoyed the pretty architecture, river, sun and flowers. I had too many pictures to choose from!

I went into Tyndale for about 50 minutes. It was pretty tough and I kept taking breaks. But surely it would drive anyone crazy going through shelves of books putting labels on them?? Maybe if I had a more interesting task I would be fine? Argh!

I got the bus back. I was pretty agitated and irritable. I kept noticing my reflection with disgust. I noticed myself drifting into daydreams but then feeling guilty about that - like I can only be classed as ill if I am having negative thoughts literally 24/7.

I saw Lizzie and that took my mind off things a bit but I was still a bit bothered.

Evening: d-3, a-5

I was rather sleepy! I felt like I needed to do things but I was not really doing anything. Worried that I had not been worrying enough. Did some catching up on blog entries. I hate mood ratings!! They are so stressful and I worried that I have not been giving accurate answers. And I was worrying that I have been more OK than I told the GP. Argh! I lay there thinking I really should move and get myself some food. I had eaten too much toffee earlier. Just because it was there. Silly.

Overall, pretty stressed about this whole business of being unwell.

I got hit by real lowness and felt rubbish: life is too hard, scared of after life, hopeless, nothing anyone can do, lonely, I'm sure constantly checking emails isn't helpful behaviour. But then I worried..this lowness hadn't even been there very long. Would it last? Also, I hate weekends