World Book Day

How appropriate I find a lost book on the ground. It is ‘A Handsmaid Tale’ by Margaret Atwood. Which is a very good book.

This morning I started reading a book about Depression that Mum’s friend gave her to pass on (yep, she is telling everyone).
Some of the statements really got to me, either I disagreed with, they made me feel worse or they made sense.

‘Inside the prison of depression you are very selfish’ –this made me feel horrible as I don’t want to feel that depression has made me feel selfish, I guess I’d have to ask others about that. I think and hope I have done everything that has been asked of me.

Expert in guilt – I totally agree with this one. This is one big issue for me. I feel guilty all the time, thinking I could do more for people than I do.

You have failed yourself and others – Definitely.

You long for death to bring you peace – I used to think this every day all day , now I think it a few days a week.

Depression is not a genetic fault or mysterious illness, it is something we have created for ourselves – So it is my fault.

You have been wearing a mask or pretending to be somebody else for so long, you can’t be yourself because you don’t know who you are –Oh so true.

And this was only the first 10 pages. I don’t know if I am going to continue with this book, it is making me feel so upset about me.

The afternoon has been awful.
I went along to Mums, after she phoned, and asked me to collect things to take along to Grandma. Into Grandmas and I knew right away she wasn’t happy. It was confirmed after the conversation. I came out in tears.

Walked past the park on the way home and realised it was pick up time from school and knew my friend would be somewhere in the vicinity. Sought her out and had a chat. Which was good. As we walked her boys pointed out this book on the ground and wondered why I wanted a photo!
She has suggested meeting me after my doctor’s appointment tomorrow and go for breakfast.

Came home and phoned Steven telling him and asking him if he thinks I should tell Mum; I know she has a right to know but don’t want to upset her. Have ended up phoning Mum and telling her all.

I can’t stop crying, I feel awful and have self- harmed.