Under pressure...

There seems to be pressure absolutely everywhere at the moment and it's all getting rather tiring. Bonhomie is only taking me so far, and in some cases just makes things worse. Actually, most cases.

While I've had my 'dark' moments, and there are certainly some people who will always think ill of me, there's one trait that finds me taking after my mother. I'm 'too' nice. Who would have thought that was such a thing. How on earth can you be too nice? And how can that bring trouble to bear upon your joie de vivre? Oh you have lots to learn young Padawan.

I remember coming across this first when I was growing up. Asked to walk the dog or make a round of cups of tea and I'd generally get on with it. I most certainly didn't refuse, and if I so much as pulled a face at the chore in front of me it got picked up on because, quite simply, I didn't normally complain and so it was out of step with normality. My sister will contend this, but she would, occasionally, point blank refuse. The result? If I was in the room I'd get asked to do it instead. It got to the stage that I got a little notepad and, pedantically petty as this may seem, started keeping track of the number of times either of us was asked to do something (my brother was only about 7 at the time so I didn't include him in the totting up), as well as those times that the gate was refused.

I was, over the course of one single week, something of a runaway 'winner'.

[Edited out a load of stuff - the catharsis in writing it was good, less so leaving it online I think, given there was stuff about work, and I generally don't go into 'details' of work on t'interweb]

But the real problem is I can't shake it. I can be moody, but generally I can't be a total bastard. I can be snappy, but if I'm clearly in the wrong I have to go back and apologise. I can rail at the unfairness of it all, but don't want to cause a stir so will stop doing what I'm doing, no matter how important, and go and make that damned cup of tea.

All of which is (as I get to the point) why I like my Japanese Drumming. I can hit things that aren't going to say 'ow' and don't need saying 'sorry' to. That drum is every little annoyance that has built up over the week, and tonight... Tonight I played loudly.

(I've been writing a lot these last few entries, you'll have to forgive me, it's also cathartic).

(Also, wish I was drumming tomorrow as I've just opened up a very annoying email).