Sundaze

Spent most of today in a daze! Nice to chill out. Although I did have to clear up the flat today as it was driving me bonkers! And J was coming over for some dinner and a good old girly natter :)

Salmon with stem ginger & chilli sauce, cucumber & fennel salad, jasmine rice. And panna cotta with blueberry compote. Not too shabby if I do say so myself! I was hoping to post a snap of the food, but alas I was more interested in eating it and I forgot! Sorry for the boring photo instead!

Great girly banter this eve. It's been ages since we've had a chat like that, just the 2 of us! We could talk till the cows come home if we didn't have to get up for work in the morning!

Now a little reading of Caitlin Moran's feisty writing (and blipping!) to wind down the day.

Zzzzzz.....

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Warning: contains raw emotion. Proceed at your own risk
On guilt.
I'm having a bad day today. After such a lovely day yesterday, you'd think I'd feel brighter. But the good moods don't last long and are often followed by crashes.

J is coming over for early dinner this aft. It seemed like a good idea but right now (~1pm) it feels like enormous pressure. The flat is a mess. I need to clean the bathroom. I *hate* cleaning the bathroom! I will have to talk! Maybe it was silly to arrange it straight after a night out. I could cancel. Feel tempted.
But I don't really want to cancel - what will that do? I may feel less stressed but I'll end up spending the whole day feeling sorry for myself and the thought of going back to work tomorrow off the back of this? No thank you. I just need a bit of motivation.

I went to the bookcase to pick up B's recipe journal - I'm using one of her faves this aft. It sits next to the letter that she left for me. Something made me pick it up and read it again. I don't know what I was expecting. I've read it so any times I've practically memorised it. What would reading it one more time do? But something did occur to me: I do feel guilty. To any of my friends reading this, it's probably no big revelation. But it is to me.

People said I would feel guilty because of the nature of B's death. I heard it, I read it in helpful pamphlets and articles online. But I didn't think I felt it as one might expect. If anything, I felt guilty for not feeling guilty. But today it hit me. And it's been there the whole time. It feels different from any guilt I've felt before. It's less intense, less focussed somehow. More of a lingering, all-encompassing blanket.

If only I'd reacted sooner. If only I'd listened more. If only I'd connected the dots that seem so obvious now. Those I can just about accept. Hindsight's a bitch. That's life.
Here are the real troublesome ones: if I feel happy, even forget for a little while (minutes, hours if I'm lucky), it doesn't take long before I remember and think that maybe it's not ok to be happy yet. A thought I usually dismiss but it's too late by then. The reminder is there. And the other one: if I feel sad, feel that I miss her, I ask myself what right I have to feel that way? Is it fair of me? Isn't it selfish? Knowing how much pain she was in, isn't my missing her actually more about wanting her to serve my happiness instead of hers?

There is one thing though. I never knew what it was like before to have something with you every single day. B told me that was how she felt about her past. She never escaped it. I never understood that, not really. I do now. It's sort of poetic. Something that brings us closer, even now.

Small comforts....

So. I just need some of that elusive motivation. Just a little. Sharing a meal this afternoon has to be better than allowing misery to lead into next week.
Just a little motivation...