Peace

Sometimes I look at my cats and can't help but tell them how envious I am of their simple lives. How simply they trust and love me.

And that's the kind of heart I want.

I remember in Jr High, I told God that all I want in life is to be a woman after His heart. Like King David. Boy, has it been a challenge. And tonight was one of those nights that God reminded me of that through a thorough heart check.

I came home today suddenly feeling really depressed. Maybe it was just this sudden realization that I've been coming home always to an empty house, with no one to greet me anymore. For some reason, even after almost two years of it, this realization became even more depressing today. I shook it off and continued doing my usual routines. It wasn't until I started washing the dishes that the emotions got heavier and heavier. Next thing I know, I was blabbering and weeping at the sink, angry at myself for what I've become and why I at the age of 21, is living a life that "a 21 year old shouldn't be" (whatever that means...). Then from there it moved unto thoughts that I couldn't even imagine thinking.

Next thing I know, I grabbed a bottle of vodka from my freezer that my friends left behind from my 21st birthday that has been untouched since and I was determined to get drunk. To drink until my mind's blurred and my dark thoughts wiped away. I grabbed a shot glass and sat down with what would wash away my pain. I reached for the cap and stopped.

I couldn't. I couldn't do it.

I started weeping at my inability of even getting myself drunk. you're nothing. Can't do anything right. You'll always be second choice as you've been treated that way many times anyways. Who cares?
I screamed at those thoughts and grabbed my phone. My mind blanked on who I can call. See? You don't even have anyone to call. Who cares for you?

I started texting people off my head in a casual conversation way, hoping for a response, and that no one would pick up the crazy weeping woman on the other end. I just needed someone to talk to me.

Then a name popped up.
I wept more.
Texted.
And I straight up told her I needed her.

She called and prayed and prayed and prayed. And I wept. I half listened, half muted her. I remember staring at the vodka and then heard her voice. Then her words became louder and louder and louder.

I opened my eyes and saw what could've destroyed me tonight. What could've killed me because physically, my weak heart wouldn't have able to handle the alcohol and who would've been able to save me in this house?

Dump the vodka, Teyen, she said, after I admitted to her what was in front of me.

I will. and I did.

Tonight, I saw what I've been holding unto for a long, long time.

And did my Savior break those chains.

Looking back at my journal entries and blip from these past months, God has been digging deep into what I've been hiding in the dark. It hurts, but isn't this the good news? That He loves me despite of what I have done and what I have become. What my heart has desired and will desire; what I pursue after when it's not Him.

Some people sees this God as someone who painfully rips things away from us, but I see Him as a God who saves me from what could've become my last breath lovingly and mercifully.



A woman after His own heart.