Day 76

I'm quite confused. Again, I tried to delay waking up as much as possible. I didn't want to face reality. I couldn't wait to make an appointment with the GP for tomorrow. But what even can they do? It's hard. I rode the wave until I went out to see Alice. I was very emotional. In some ways it was bearable, other ways not so much.

Then I set my eyes on God and the fact he can carry me through this and the joy that will come in eternity. But it made me feel guilty and confused. The best thing I can do is ask Jesus to help me and I will just try to keep going. Not in my own strength, but His. I do believe that there is more than enough evidence that Jesus is Lord and that we will face Him on judgement day. He gives us a way to be saved. However I feel, he is a constant and the truth still remains. It is comforting to know that. Help might come in the form of the GP so I will still try to make an appointment tomorrow.

I got to Alice's and felt nervous, on edge and not very good company. Struggling to cope with this. I sort of feel like the GP will be able to make a difference but, in reality, she is really not going to be able to do much. I can't think about it too much as I just despair. Oh my goodness, I hate this.

...

After church I went to my housemate's party (in my house - at least I could run away if needs be). I felt like I upset a loads of people though but I think there are some faulty thought processes going on there. I hated myself. But I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God, in his own image. Not worthy of hate. No one is. The party was quite a good distraction from my hopelessness though and I even stayed up to play a game. I'm so confused!!

I'm now in bed but feeling a bit all over the place and slightly struggling to wind down.