random thoughts

nothing terribly dramatic or poetic tonight.

im mostly just exhausted. emotionally tired. from dealing and not dealing. from trying to prove myself. i am trying, trying very hard, to resist this temptation. but grad school is hard. i sounded stupid in class tonight - like actually stupid. but tonight i didnt care. tonight i just enjoyed talking about a good and interesting book. even if i did sound stupid. i didnt come to grad school to prove myself, i came to learn. and i delighted in the learning tonight.

ive been thinking about friendship tonight. and how all i ever want to do is just be, just exist, with those i love around me. i just want you there - your presence. i have to read, i have to write - but if you could just sit there too, and i could hear you breathe and see your flesh - id like that.

in fact, i want that so much more than i realized before now. i spend 90% of my time alone. i just want a companion to go on adventures with me when i want to go on adventures and sit with me beside the lake when i sit beside the lake, and read next to me when i read. demanding? probably. selfish? most definitely.

pros and cons.

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"oh but i cant talk to you, the way ive wanted to
ive been telling lies but ill tell you the truth

darling, im tired and i should be leaving, leaving
you know im tired and i should be leaving, leaving tonight"