conical, were it not real

If you're feeling a little bit down-in-the-dumps
as you've got a wee cough or a cold
If the skin of your chin has a few spots or lumps
or you feel a bit tired and old...
If you think that your aura has gone a bit dark,
or your spirit's a bit constipated,
If you stepped in some shit on a walk through the park
for which bad karma's been implicated:
Try a herbalist therapist's magical salves,
with their non-disclosed method of action
or a potion to cleanse all your chakras and valves
and to loosen your spirit's impaction.
You could buy a small bottle of essence of snails,
or a paste made from crushed fairy-skull
For in truth it's irrelevant how you are ailed:
Such treatment's results are all null.

*****

Hello there!
Erm, hello. Can I help you?
I was going to ask you much the same thing! I was asking you by the power of thought alone but you're evidently not receptive enough! I couldn't help noticing that you seem to be in a bit of trouble there!
Well, I've fallen or been pushed over, if that's what you mean.
It is, but there might be more than that the matter! Why have you not righted yourself?
Well... I can't really say that this position is any less comfortable than the one I was in before I fell (or was pushed) over. I am at rest, and unharmed. Don't know really.
Aha! You're lucky I'm here.
Am I? Why is that? Who are you, anyway?
That is the first step! Questioning! The questioning of accepted convention, and the exploration of the unexplored, or possibly the unexplorable. Inexplorable. Whatever! I, my child, was wrought as DFJ-1167B but am now known by my True Name of Sits Near Kerbs, and I bear the title of Complementative Alternatistic Therapeuticator, or I did and will again as soon as I scrape up the cash to buy another years' therapeuticatoring but the website said the cost had gone up when I tried to renew my certificate last month so I haven't done it yet. But enough of me! All that is important is that I am here, for you!
That's, er, very nice. What was it you said you were again? Is that why you're dressed a bit...
You refer to this? This is my Necklace of Power, which I awarded myself when I first learnt of my skills and talents! Hand-woven from living string, a feather containing the powerful spirits of an ancient bird, fully TEN hand-picked organic Belgian conkers and also (until they blew off) some leaves! Still it contains the ghosts of leaves! It is a most powerful accoutrement, and greatly benefits my abilities in channelling healing therapies to my clients! You should try such a treatment, O luckless, closed-minded, fallen one!
I wouldn't say I was entirely convinced that I need one. What exactly are these therapies, then?
I wouldn't say I'd thought you'd never ask as that would have been a negative thought, begetting bad karma, soiling my spirit! Be cleansed! First of all, you have fallen. You are fallen! You erm, fullt. You have been befolled! You might think you are unharmed and may appear entirely physically unharmed, but what of your spirit? It fell with you, but may have fallen more... erm... fallingly! The cruel energy of the synthetic man-made road-surface might have caused its shape to become distorted. Yes! You may have wounded it!
You mean I might have dented my aura? How terrifying. I expect you'll be able to pat it into shape, or blow it back up, yes?
Indeed! Massage it back into shape, coax it back into shape, gently caress it to let it know it is wanted, and loved, so that it puffs back up into something approaching its former configuration! Indeed sir, I can do this!
Oh, really? How?
I told you! I shall (or could, if you paid me) massage it. You have heard of reiki?
Possibly. Is that the one where you lie down and don't get massaged by someone who moves their hands around near your body but not actually on it?
Indeed! My technique is similar, but much more advanced. Normal physical massage simply prods and rubs muscles, creating a temporary feeling of relaxation. Reiki mysteriously works by almost but not quite touching the body with the hands. My powerful technique involves not touching the body, nor the aura, but without using hands! Having no hands, I cannot even come close to touching a body's aura with them! Imagine that! Invisible non-corporeal force acting upon an invisible non-corporeal object, with no inefficient physical presence to dilute, distort or diffuse the treatment! £10 per quarter-hour, and as an introductory offer I throw in aura-chromatography and spiritual shell phrenology where I basically decode the shape of your aural shell and interpret what this means. I have also developed still more advanced therapies, drawing together several ancient and wise methods of teaching!
I assume you take into account the recent potential denting my aura might have received when taking this reading? I'm sure I couldn't imagine something more advanced than actually not touching someone when massaging them. More advanced?
You were aware of reiki, so I assume your familiarity with both reflexology and chiropracty? One teaching advises how the entire mere physical body may be physically manipulated by physical manipulation of the nerves of the physical feet. The feet! The other allows its practitioners to effect affect in the body by means of wrenching delicate manipulation of that backbone of the body structure, the backbone and spine. I sir, have created a synergy of these three techniques! Using nothing but magic psychic energy, I manipulate the feet (or base, as applicable), specifically that part of the feet which are linked to the backbone and spine! By this cunning indirect manipulation I then thricely-metaphysically manipulate the spine to solve problems elsewhere in the body! Problems such as asthma and colic! Probably being-fallen-over-and-spiritually-stunted too! Probably even... THE MIND!
Erm, no thanks. I have to say, I'm not really into this sort of stuff. This spiritual stuff, I mean.
As it happens, I have a product here which may assist you with that! Boiled celery aromatherapy infusion is derived from the ancient celery plant, prepared using ancient techniques to extract the living essence into a weak sort of soup-like substance, hand-homogenised and strained using finest silk and muslin straining-clothes into a sparklingly slightly green translucent fluid and lightly reduced on gas mark three for forty minutes into a slightly thicker and cloudier fluid! It is said to work its way deep into all the cells of your body where it is said to have powerful effects on the bits of them which aren't really into that sort of stuff! I have only three bottles left; I came at just the right time, it seems! Especially if you have £9.99 on you for either of the two small bottles or fifteen quid for the big one!
Hmmmm. How is this administered if it's supposed to work on all your body's cells, then? Injected individually, or by beng pressure-cooked into you along with something to increase the permeability of the cell membrane?
As tea, sir! Just add a few drops of the infusion to a simple cup of boiling organic decaffeinated naturally caffeine-free organic rainwater, such as I have here for only £2 a pint if you're running low! Drink, absorb and believe! You'll see that's the motto of the company which makes it, visible just there on the label, just beneath the bit telling you to consult your doctor before taking it which you don't need to worry about. You'd be doing yourself an immeasurable benefit, sir!
I'm sure I would. No, no thank you, I think I'll manage without it. Or the aura-massage stuff. Anything else you'd recommend, seeing as you're here and not going away very shortly or anything?
I am trained in many therapies, sir. Alas, I can only guide my victims clients to them, not force them to imbibe. As the ancient and wise saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it add a few drops of a powerful essential herbal essence to it before drinking." Perhaps such a resolutely determined physical being such as you seem to think you are would prefer a more physical treatment, at least until you're ready to admit your spiritual dimensions. You have heard of hot stone massage, yes?
Heard of it. Never heard of anyone actually having it, though. Again, the what might be called an issue of you not having any hands and me not having a back to speak of might be considered an impediment if you were planning to place hot stones on my back using your hands. What's your technique?
You are forgetting my provenance, sir! Regard my necklace of fully TEN organic hand-picked Belgian conkers! I am a being skilled in using natural occurrences in my therapies, where the benefits are not offset by the guilt of artifice! No, you just stay where you are long enough and sooner or later they'll lay a new tarmacadam surface! There'll be a flatbed full of hot gravel dropping hot stones all over here by the thousands! Mind out for the bitumen sealant, though! Hot oils are very good for the hair but these will be very hot, and sir doesn't seem to have a great deal of hair to treat! Though, speaking of which...
Surely there's nothing very natural about people laying a road? What was it you said about the road, anyway? Something... cruel energy of the synthetic or something? What was it?
You twist my words, sir! Anyway, to the untrained eye my techniques can occasionally seem contradictory or counter-intuitive but if you give them a chance then they (might) work!
If you think they might work then they might make you think they might have worked. I don't mean to be rude, but are you going to be here all night?
The night, sir, is the best time to observe the stars! Later this month Neptune will be rising up into Venus!
Sounds positively filthy. What exactly does it mean, if anything?
Well, I know what it means for me, but you could be completely different! If you could just tell me the precise date, time and location of your birth or construction and the date, time and location of your first deployment then I'll soon be able to calculate your charts and give you a detailed breakdown of your astrological disposition as well as provide a monthly email (free for the first twelve months, thereafter by subscription payable monthly by direct debit) about what each month's events in the skies above means for you! Why, if you'd come to me sooner I might even have been able to prevent you falling over!
Or being knocked over.
Yes! Or knocked over! In fact, if you could just hold this rock tightly against your forehead for a few minutes then I should be able to then ask it exactly what it was which made you fall over or which knocked you over!
I don't think so, thank you. If you don't mind, would you mind sort of... fucking off?

You just don't want to believe! I was only trying to be of no proven benefit and occasional proven harm friendly!

.
.
...

Actually, could I just stay here for a bit? My base is really sore when I try and move. I've taken some Mouldy Acorn Extract Essence Aromatherapy Infusion for it but it seems to be taking a while to kick in.
Dearie me, it's almost hanging off at the back there. I should see someone about that if I were you.


*****

If you're feeling a little bit down-in-the-dumps
as you've caught influenza or plague
If you think you have measles, rubella or mumps
Or some other preventable ague...
If you've chronic non-rheumatoid osteo-pain,
or a crippling muscular twinge,
or a tumour the size of a peach on your brain
and a pustulent rash on your minge...
Seek proper and competent medical help,
preferably sooner, not later...
The alternatives may well have prettier smells
but their risk to your health is far greater.