window

upon closer examination of the self, _____.

fill in the blank.

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i feel like i am slowly cracking open the door to the next step/phase/moment, etc. death, loss, grief...these are things i am actively living, but i fail to understand them well.

i saw a therapist on monday. i'm telling you guys this because she told me i needed to be expressing what i was feeling in some way, either by journaling or some form of art. i get it, i know. i don't know why i have to go to someone to tell me something i already know, but i know myself and i know that that is the only way i will enact what i already know.

i've never seen a therapist in my life; it's pretty weird. i went because i've hit a personal roadblock with grief and death and the feeling of guilt i now have afterwards. and it's bizarre, but i think the three or four sessions we are planning to meet will be enough to push me past it into handling this continuing process better.

i've neglected blip: i'm going to try not to do that anymore, as much as that can be possible. i don't feel as moored as usual, but not quite unmoored either, and i'm hoping some tangible personal goals can give me traction in that regard.

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i'm going to take a class in ceramics, the pottery wheel. it won't start until spring, but it's an important thing for me and i'm looking forward to it.

today i cut some of my hair off.

tomorrow i start a brand new job. yesterday i started my last graduate classes. today i can see some sort of tangible future; we'll see how good my eyesight is tomorrow.

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sometimes i just want to get a drink with you guys. i realize that this is not possible more often than i can mention here, but the truth is even the metroplex is far away and vegas is even further.

fort worth is a special place to me because i felt true community.

i love it here (austin) and i have no plans to leave. but i wonder how to find community in a place that is changing and growing so quickly that it no longer feels easy to find the genuine, the real. it's like what they say about new york: it's the loneliest place in the world. or something like that.

but, i am trying, and damn if that isn't something, i guess.