Day 9: bury me in books

3/10 - better. It helped that I don't want to bore you all with another failure. Emotional MRI scans reveal that loneliness is a factor. There, said it out loud. If no-one else gives a hoot or sees it, it's hard to keep up the healing. It can take weeks for things to clear up, and can I sustain self-worth that long? Today was more down to fear. I'm too terrified about my deadlines to let it take more than a few moments. Workload doesn't seem humanly possible at this moment, but will and can only try. A lot of other general fears shot out, lit by the main deadline fuse: money, love, talent, (lack thereof). Increasingly seeing that fear sets up its own proof. Why is it such a large part of my life? When I find or lose myself working, because I love what I do, it shrivels up. Problem is fear carries a lot of wisdom too, the perils of hubris, reality calibration, awareness of other sentient beings, self preservation from danger.. useful stuff in moderate doses, which I need to believe I will find one day. Must get back to work now.