Day 6: not me

The advocado I had for breakfast resembles the skin on my shoulders. Graphic gross out warning: The scars are lumpy because they sometimes store hardened little packets of old infection that never fully healed. Occasionally when squeezed these burst out like streamers, long white worms that go on and on. There's a physical relieve when I find and release one. A deep scarred crater is left behind, but it's flat and eventually pales, making it easier to hide. There is however a pretty good chance of re-infection, and on a cycle of years the same scarred lump can swell up, burst, scar and repeat the cycle till the skin resembles chewed up gum. That's where I am. Finding and releasing an old infection is so intoxicating it can set off a month long frenzy trying to find another. Writing this it dawns on me that's what happening with my right arm. I'm just sobering up from the urge to survey the damage done.

I use the moment when my friend's boyfriend goes out for a smoke to try to discuss my ocd with her. Och we all like picking spots, I pick his, she says. I find it harder to explain why what I do is more serious than that and she thinks it's me blowing it out of proportion because I'm not feeling very confident right now. She might be right, I don't know. Her boyfriend returns and even though I've only just met him, he accepts what I am trying to say. He recounts the case of a customer from his days in an art supply store. A lady who would browse for hours on end with self-harm scars still dripping. One day she arrived minus a pinkie, and gradually she removed finger after finger till only a thumb and index finger remained.

Nowhere near that, clearly! But holy hell it made me realise we humo sapiens are a strange order of beings. Highly adaptive meat strapped to raging irrationality. But we can be happy sometimes. My friend is extremely so, and it is so encouraging to be around and experience.

3/10 left alone I was unnecessarily too picky on my arm and pulled off a lot of healing scabs. Distracted as I know I need to get back to work and pressure today.

But I'm okay, y'know? Not about to leap off a building or chop my fingers off. This blip thing is making me a lot more aware. You lot seem a good bunch and that's a plus too.