Trouble comes in threes or third time lucky?

Today I had one of those 'dawning realisation' moments as I was driving home from the Royal Devon and Exeter Hospital this evening after visiting J who has had his ankle fused (again). I will share my thinking so please forgive my personal indulgence. (I will put my 3+1 here so you don't have to read any further!)


Three beautiful things:
The first nativity - they were adorable!
Laughter
Happy memories

One thing to be grateful for:
J's op seems to have gone okay.


Today I was reminded of how negative experiences are very powerful in wiping our memories of the positive experiences. J is not the first person I have dated who has had to be in cast and on crutches for several weeks due to an ankle injury. I suddenly realised today that, in fact, he is the third. However, due to my last pretty horrific experience, I had completely 'forgotten' about the first.

D was the second experience. Unfortunately this was the same person with whom I had endured several years of mental, verbal and physical abuse from and it seemed that his time in a cast plus the physiotherapy which followed was permission for him to take it to a whole new level. No matter what I did or didn't do - it wasn't right. I spent 12 weeks with that 'startled rabbit' look terrified of what might happen next. It didn't stop there, my 'inability to get it right' during that period also became permission for the visits to dubious locations and one night stands which followed.
As you can imagine, my feelings/thoughts associated with this time are pretty dire and have been very much present during the lead up to J's operation and how I can make sure I 'get it right' this time round.

I would like to point out that I am not sharing this for pity but to explain. I am proud of the fact that I did eventually find the strength, courage and sense of self worth to leave such an abusive relationship. Whilst the demons of the past do rear their ugly heads from time to time, the constant haunted look has completely disappeared. Therefore it is so important that those negative experiences cannot be given 'permission' to live in the present.

So lets revisit the first experience of a boyfriend with an ankle in cast. Even as I type this I have the biggest smile on my face. A was my first 'real love', a Canadian serving in the British Royal Marines based at Bickleigh Barracks. We were 'perfect' together and very much enjoyed each other's company making the most of the time we had together. Even when he broke his ankle skiing whilst on exercise in Norway. I remember that phone call so clearly now - especially the colourful language! When he finally got back to Plymouth though, we laughed and joked and made the best of a bad situation - becoming very creative and inventive!

I particularly remember him attending my Grandmother's memorial service dressed in his Blues plus cast. I was so proud of him that day. I also remember him waking me up at 5am by throwing stones at my window the morning before I was flying to America. He had literally just had his cast off the day before and had celebrated with a long night out before walking to my house. The day ended with us having to make our to the Mount Wise Barracks as his ankle had swollen, he couldn't weight bear any longer and we had to get him back to Bickleigh! That was how we said our goodbyes.

I have always felt that A and I were a perfect example of two right people meeting at the completely wrong time. However, most importantly, when I remember his time in a cast it is with a smile and a sparkle. Therefore I have a choice - which experience do I use to guide me through this third time? It is a no brainer really. I am just glad that my subconscious mind brought those happy memories and experiences to the forefront again. Its not really third time lucky but third time 'wiser'!

I am pretty sure I won't 'get it right' all of the time over the 12 weeks and that J will be cranky and grumpy at times, however I no longer feel so 'afraid'. It will be a different way of spending time together, learning about each other and with a bit of creativeness and invention I am pretty sure we can still have some fun!