My dream

I had a dream the other night that I was a young girl again. And through out the dream I relived all of my worst memories. My parents fighting, the day my dad left us, the physical abuse from my older sister. When I awoke in the morning I felt drained and empty and I realized something about myself that I had never noticed before.

I've never been good at allowing people to give me affection. Hugs are awkward and conversations are like walking on egg shells even with the closest of my friends. when I awoke from my dream I realized that the reason I shun affection is because I feel as though I am undeserving of kindness and love. Even if I tried to give what I feel I can't I have it's a struggle.

Watching my parents fight engraved in my brain that relationships are feeble and week.
Seeing my dad leave inflicted my soul with pain and doubt. If my own dad could leave me behind without out a backward glance anyone could.
Most devastating of all was the physical abuse from my older sister. It not only left me forever flinching if someone moved to swiftly in my direction but also taught me that even those closest to you can case you pain.